it's so hard for me.
it's so hard for me to watch other people moving on and into different phases of life, when I feel stuck. I feel alone and stuck, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't know if my emotions are ridiculous or valid, or if it's just because it is finals week? I know stress plays a big part in my emotional stability. so I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I wasn't ready for change to happen this fast.
I'm afraid my introverted personality is going to overwhelm me next semester, and that I am going to find myself stuck in my room by myself. I'm afraid I will be overlooked, and that I won't have enough confidence to seek out others. It's easier to shut out the world, sleep off these feelings, and just try to wake up tomorrow to a busier schedule, than to try and deal with them. I'm scared of what is next. I'm fearful that I won't be able to enjoy life because I will be stuck in my timidity and fear.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
better than life.
I had tears streaming down my face in church today.
I honestly can't remember the last time that happened.
I was completely and utterly overwhelmed by His presence. SD gave a sermon about revival, about what it has looked like in the past, and how our culture often views it. SD talked about the tide of revival, how it sweeps in and lifts all of the boats up, and then drifts away- leaving the boats to settle back to where they were. He compared it to our culture and challenged us to seek revival. It was a fantastic message. One that I desperately needed to hear.
But that wasn't the only message that I heard today. God spoke directly to my heart. So clearly and so obviously that I couldn't stop the tears from sliding down my cheeks.
This past summer, living in Lakeland, I fought for about a month with the Lord. I was frustrated and unhappy with where I was spiritually, and felt abandoned. Then, one Sunday morning, it was like a lightbulb came on. One of my previous posts talks about it. TR talked about earnestly seeking the Lord. Eagerly running to Him and wanting to spend time with Him. To be enveloped in His arms, not because I need Him, but because I just want to be with Him.
That morning, a song called "Better than Life" was played by the worship band. I love lyrics, I always have, and this song just spoke directly to my heart. I couldn't get enough of it and yet I couldn't find it anywhere. For the rest of the summer, I continued to go to church and scan the program anxiously to see if the song would be played. Each time, I was filled with unbeliveable joy. At the very end of the summer, not more than a few days before I left, I still had yet to find the song. I was shopping with M, and we ran into the worship leader of the church. I asked him where I could find it, and he lead me to the right place on Itunes. I downloaded, played it repetitively for weeks, and used it as my ringtone.
I got to school this semester and vowed that seeking Him earnestly would be my focus for my senior year. I wanted to get to the point where I longed to spend time with Him. Where I desired to be with Him for the sake of being in His presence.
Well, three months later, and I am not where I want to be. Yes, I know that I have learned this semester. I know that I have gained knowledge and grown as an individual. However, I did not follow through on my goal. I am not craving my time with Him, especially over the past three weeks. I have been more willing to shut myself off and hole up in my room, watching pointless television. I have felt insecure and anxious about getting out of my comfort zone. Dimmed lighting and my bed have become a daily occurence- simply because I feel out of place. I have had plenty of time to sing praises to Him, to dig into His Word. And yet, I have wasted it.
On my way to church this morning, I was reflecting over my week, and how little time I spend with Him. I started singing that song, outloud, on my walk over to church. I know I looked ridiculous, and I'm sure sounded even worse, but I felt convicted. I was yearning for time with Him, and I would have had plenty of time- if I hadn't just wasted it. I was done wasting those minutes.
I walked in late today. As I entered the sanctuary, I quickly scanned to see where S was sitting, headed that direction and then paused. No one was standing, and I felt insecure just walking between the rows. I waited until there was a call to stand for worship until I moved. I put my stuff in the pew, turned around, and felt the shackles of my self pity and self doubt slip away. I truly worshipped the Lord in a vulnerable for the first time in a long time. My eyes felt opened. I felt like I was singing directly to Him.
JH stood up and read the passage for scripture: Psalm 63:1-8. It was the exact reference for the worship song in Florida. I was completely floored. Here I was, finally eagerly seeking Him, and He speaks directly to me. To MY heart. I sat down and began journalling, expressing my gratitude for how He works in my life.
Then came the message of revival. SD talked about giving up whatever was in the way of fully sacrificing ourselves. He talked about what it means to have a satisfied soul. We then took communion, and as we went forward to tear off a piece of bread and dip it in the juice, we were supposed to tell the person standing there whether our soul was satisfied, or if our soul longed to be satisfied. I couldn't help it, as I tore my bread, and raised my eyes to someone I have never seen before, I was filled with unbelieveable joy. My soul IS satisfied. My heart IS satisfied. I am complete, 100%, in Him.
I felt Him move today. I felt Him wash over me, like a giant tidal wave. I felt Him lift this pressure that I continually put on myself. I felt myself exhale so much mediocrity and my chosen burden of self-doubt that I have been wrestling with- and breathe in His spirit.
He was so close to my heart today.
I honestly can't remember the last time that happened.
I was completely and utterly overwhelmed by His presence. SD gave a sermon about revival, about what it has looked like in the past, and how our culture often views it. SD talked about the tide of revival, how it sweeps in and lifts all of the boats up, and then drifts away- leaving the boats to settle back to where they were. He compared it to our culture and challenged us to seek revival. It was a fantastic message. One that I desperately needed to hear.
But that wasn't the only message that I heard today. God spoke directly to my heart. So clearly and so obviously that I couldn't stop the tears from sliding down my cheeks.
This past summer, living in Lakeland, I fought for about a month with the Lord. I was frustrated and unhappy with where I was spiritually, and felt abandoned. Then, one Sunday morning, it was like a lightbulb came on. One of my previous posts talks about it. TR talked about earnestly seeking the Lord. Eagerly running to Him and wanting to spend time with Him. To be enveloped in His arms, not because I need Him, but because I just want to be with Him.
That morning, a song called "Better than Life" was played by the worship band. I love lyrics, I always have, and this song just spoke directly to my heart. I couldn't get enough of it and yet I couldn't find it anywhere. For the rest of the summer, I continued to go to church and scan the program anxiously to see if the song would be played. Each time, I was filled with unbeliveable joy. At the very end of the summer, not more than a few days before I left, I still had yet to find the song. I was shopping with M, and we ran into the worship leader of the church. I asked him where I could find it, and he lead me to the right place on Itunes. I downloaded, played it repetitively for weeks, and used it as my ringtone.
I got to school this semester and vowed that seeking Him earnestly would be my focus for my senior year. I wanted to get to the point where I longed to spend time with Him. Where I desired to be with Him for the sake of being in His presence.
Well, three months later, and I am not where I want to be. Yes, I know that I have learned this semester. I know that I have gained knowledge and grown as an individual. However, I did not follow through on my goal. I am not craving my time with Him, especially over the past three weeks. I have been more willing to shut myself off and hole up in my room, watching pointless television. I have felt insecure and anxious about getting out of my comfort zone. Dimmed lighting and my bed have become a daily occurence- simply because I feel out of place. I have had plenty of time to sing praises to Him, to dig into His Word. And yet, I have wasted it.
On my way to church this morning, I was reflecting over my week, and how little time I spend with Him. I started singing that song, outloud, on my walk over to church. I know I looked ridiculous, and I'm sure sounded even worse, but I felt convicted. I was yearning for time with Him, and I would have had plenty of time- if I hadn't just wasted it. I was done wasting those minutes.
I walked in late today. As I entered the sanctuary, I quickly scanned to see where S was sitting, headed that direction and then paused. No one was standing, and I felt insecure just walking between the rows. I waited until there was a call to stand for worship until I moved. I put my stuff in the pew, turned around, and felt the shackles of my self pity and self doubt slip away. I truly worshipped the Lord in a vulnerable for the first time in a long time. My eyes felt opened. I felt like I was singing directly to Him.
JH stood up and read the passage for scripture: Psalm 63:1-8. It was the exact reference for the worship song in Florida. I was completely floored. Here I was, finally eagerly seeking Him, and He speaks directly to me. To MY heart. I sat down and began journalling, expressing my gratitude for how He works in my life.
Then came the message of revival. SD talked about giving up whatever was in the way of fully sacrificing ourselves. He talked about what it means to have a satisfied soul. We then took communion, and as we went forward to tear off a piece of bread and dip it in the juice, we were supposed to tell the person standing there whether our soul was satisfied, or if our soul longed to be satisfied. I couldn't help it, as I tore my bread, and raised my eyes to someone I have never seen before, I was filled with unbelieveable joy. My soul IS satisfied. My heart IS satisfied. I am complete, 100%, in Him.
I felt Him move today. I felt Him wash over me, like a giant tidal wave. I felt Him lift this pressure that I continually put on myself. I felt myself exhale so much mediocrity and my chosen burden of self-doubt that I have been wrestling with- and breathe in His spirit.
He was so close to my heart today.
Psalm 63:1-8
1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
6 On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
welcome to my world.
I have spent the rest of my morning updating my blog with a new format and name. I wanted to escape the academic setting for a while, and boy did I ever. Every now and then I just need to rearrange things, and today I picked my blog. Organizing helps me de-stress and relax. I have been debating putting my blog site on my facebook website for the past six months. There are several reasons, but mostly because it is my heart on the screen- so personal and so raw.
I'm still not sure if I want to just open my heart to everyone who knows me. I'm also self-conscious of what people will think. I'm not sure I want to hear their opinions or see their disapproval. But I ran into S, and talked to her for a while about where she is at in life and what has happened recently in her life, and she encouraged me to catch up on her blog. And her honesty and openness on her site was astounding. So maybe it's time for me to jump on board?
Going through all of those entries was quite the task. I started writing it my senior year of high school, and there are several big gaps between entries. People might think that some of the past entries are too personal, or that they should be taken down. But they are part of my journey, they have had a direct impact on who I am today. I have been striving lately to focus on being authentic- which can be so very hard. But being authentic means being honest about the good and the bad.
As a Christian, I want people to see my imperfections just as much as my strengths- so they can see Christ through me. So here it is. Here is me. Here is me being authentic and real. Here is a glimpse of who I truly am, problems and all. This blog includes some of my favorite memories, as well as some of my toughest.
If you want to ask me questions, feel free. If you are surprised by some of what you read, hopefully God's grace will overwhelm my imperfections. It's my senior year. I'm leaving this setting in about 6 months. Then a new journey will begin. Until then? Hopefully I can stay focused, and be able to accomplish all that He asks of me.
I'm still not sure if I want to just open my heart to everyone who knows me. I'm also self-conscious of what people will think. I'm not sure I want to hear their opinions or see their disapproval. But I ran into S, and talked to her for a while about where she is at in life and what has happened recently in her life, and she encouraged me to catch up on her blog. And her honesty and openness on her site was astounding. So maybe it's time for me to jump on board?
Going through all of those entries was quite the task. I started writing it my senior year of high school, and there are several big gaps between entries. People might think that some of the past entries are too personal, or that they should be taken down. But they are part of my journey, they have had a direct impact on who I am today. I have been striving lately to focus on being authentic- which can be so very hard. But being authentic means being honest about the good and the bad.
As a Christian, I want people to see my imperfections just as much as my strengths- so they can see Christ through me. So here it is. Here is me. Here is me being authentic and real. Here is a glimpse of who I truly am, problems and all. This blog includes some of my favorite memories, as well as some of my toughest.
If you want to ask me questions, feel free. If you are surprised by some of what you read, hopefully God's grace will overwhelm my imperfections. It's my senior year. I'm leaving this setting in about 6 months. Then a new journey will begin. Until then? Hopefully I can stay focused, and be able to accomplish all that He asks of me.
maybe I will marry a CPA...
I am not good at accounting.
plain and simple.
I can guarantee you that I will be finding someone else to help me with my accounting in the future. I did poorly on yet another test in that class, and am facing my lowest grade in all of my education. and I hate it. I desperately want to fight it. but, alas! there is more to life. Over and over this semester, I have been swaying between the two extremes of not caring at all and caring way too much. It's my senior, so I know I am going to graduate as long as I focus. However, it is also my senior year- my last in college- and I don't want to waste it. II really hope that I can find that balance soon, that I will stay motivated, but also be okay with not being perfect.. because let's be honest- I'm not perfect, so why worry about that?
plain and simple.
I can guarantee you that I will be finding someone else to help me with my accounting in the future. I did poorly on yet another test in that class, and am facing my lowest grade in all of my education. and I hate it. I desperately want to fight it. but, alas! there is more to life. Over and over this semester, I have been swaying between the two extremes of not caring at all and caring way too much. It's my senior, so I know I am going to graduate as long as I focus. However, it is also my senior year- my last in college- and I don't want to waste it. II really hope that I can find that balance soon, that I will stay motivated, but also be okay with not being perfect.. because let's be honest- I'm not perfect, so why worry about that?
Sunday, November 09, 2008
amazing race.
wow.
It seems like its been forever since i last wrote. I just got back from a staff retreat to my lakehouse this weekend. It was incredible. I was able to literally just not do anything- not stress, not worry, not doubt- just be present. I felt totally relaxed and comfortable. I felt the unconditional support of the girls around me. Not once did i doubt their intentions or feel unsure of their feelings towards me. it truly was a breath of fresh air.
well, I guess the biggest development is that I think I'm going to go to africa. from august to september. It's scary and intimidating, but I truly feel like I am supposed to go. CMFI is the organization that my "apprenticeship" will be through, but I will be going by myself and meeting up with a missionary in Nairobi, Kenya. I am so excited to have something "future" oriented, something to look forward to and something to work towards.
Last summer, I spent a very late night reading another friend's blog about her experience in India. After reading her testimony, and seeing all that the Lord had revealed to her, I became extremely interested in finally going to Africa, where I have wanted to go since my freshman year. The Lord really opened doors for me in the past three weeks, and I am just bewildered by how quickly His perfect plan can take shape.
For now, though. I need to stay focused on being here. on loving my girls (both tennis and residents) and learning as much as I possibly can. I cannot wait to see what all He has in store for me the rest of this year, but I am delighted to have at least something out there.
Well, it's late, and I need to go to bed. But I hope to write again soon.
God is so good, and He is so incredibly faithful. His sovereignty amazes me. His steadfastness anchors me. His grace overwhelms me.
How deep the Father's love for us.
It seems like its been forever since i last wrote. I just got back from a staff retreat to my lakehouse this weekend. It was incredible. I was able to literally just not do anything- not stress, not worry, not doubt- just be present. I felt totally relaxed and comfortable. I felt the unconditional support of the girls around me. Not once did i doubt their intentions or feel unsure of their feelings towards me. it truly was a breath of fresh air.
well, I guess the biggest development is that I think I'm going to go to africa. from august to september. It's scary and intimidating, but I truly feel like I am supposed to go. CMFI is the organization that my "apprenticeship" will be through, but I will be going by myself and meeting up with a missionary in Nairobi, Kenya. I am so excited to have something "future" oriented, something to look forward to and something to work towards.
Last summer, I spent a very late night reading another friend's blog about her experience in India. After reading her testimony, and seeing all that the Lord had revealed to her, I became extremely interested in finally going to Africa, where I have wanted to go since my freshman year. The Lord really opened doors for me in the past three weeks, and I am just bewildered by how quickly His perfect plan can take shape.
For now, though. I need to stay focused on being here. on loving my girls (both tennis and residents) and learning as much as I possibly can. I cannot wait to see what all He has in store for me the rest of this year, but I am delighted to have at least something out there.
Well, it's late, and I need to go to bed. But I hope to write again soon.
God is so good, and He is so incredibly faithful. His sovereignty amazes me. His steadfastness anchors me. His grace overwhelms me.
How deep the Father's love for us.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
pick and choose.
just figured i would give an update from last week's post.
court and i lost to fresno in the first round. it was insane how good they were. and insane is not an understatement. then we played Mckendree- the only other all american team at nationals- and we won in a third set super tie-breaker. it was amazing. we played so well, and had so much fun. our third round was against oklahoma baptist (another foreign team)... and we lost. i didn't play as well in that match, but regardless of how well we played, i can honestly say that we would have lost. lol. OBU actually got more games off of Auburn Montgomery (the eventual champions) than Fresno did... if that gives you any indication of just how good they actually were.
i'm more writing this post because of last week's than anything. it's amazing to me that it only took me a week to get back to right where i was last monday. i broke down on the way back to school on the phone with my parents. i was overwhelmed with how much i still have to do. i have so much to catch up on, especially three big tests this week. i just want to keep the standard that i have held in place the past three weeks... and i can't. if i do, i am a complete failure. i have to hold this year loosely. i have to hold my life loosely. i have to hold my job as an RA loosely. i have to hold my position as a captain and chaplain loosely. this past week, more than ever, i have felt like a failure in those two areas... and i have to understand that i am never going to be perfect. i am never going to get it all right. i am never going to do what i need to exactly right. and i have to be okay with that. i have to choose joy. i have to choose His strength. i have to choose His will. i have to choose to trust.
i still have so much to learn.
court and i lost to fresno in the first round. it was insane how good they were. and insane is not an understatement. then we played Mckendree- the only other all american team at nationals- and we won in a third set super tie-breaker. it was amazing. we played so well, and had so much fun. our third round was against oklahoma baptist (another foreign team)... and we lost. i didn't play as well in that match, but regardless of how well we played, i can honestly say that we would have lost. lol. OBU actually got more games off of Auburn Montgomery (the eventual champions) than Fresno did... if that gives you any indication of just how good they actually were.
i'm more writing this post because of last week's than anything. it's amazing to me that it only took me a week to get back to right where i was last monday. i broke down on the way back to school on the phone with my parents. i was overwhelmed with how much i still have to do. i have so much to catch up on, especially three big tests this week. i just want to keep the standard that i have held in place the past three weeks... and i can't. if i do, i am a complete failure. i have to hold this year loosely. i have to hold my life loosely. i have to hold my job as an RA loosely. i have to hold my position as a captain and chaplain loosely. this past week, more than ever, i have felt like a failure in those two areas... and i have to understand that i am never going to be perfect. i am never going to get it all right. i am never going to do what i need to exactly right. and i have to be okay with that. i have to choose joy. i have to choose His strength. i have to choose His will. i have to choose to trust.
i still have so much to learn.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
foreign fun.
I'm waiting to leave for Indy.
I finished a test, have three waiting for me when I get back. But for now, I get to breathe... as in inhale and exhale. finally. I leave for alabama tomorrow morning. I am so excited. I can't believe that I get a second chance down there. I can't believe that not only are both coaches going, but also my parents and J. I have felt so bummed the past few days. Conference didn't go well for me, and I was extremely frustrated with some of my teammates... J lost his job. I got sick at A's wedding and basically slept through L's entire trip home. I was so depressed. I was behind on my studying... and just in general overwhelmed.
But that was yesterday. and today, today I can look forward to the next 5. My cousins who I never get to see will be in Indy at my house when I get back, and I get to see their daughter for the first time. I get to see J in Alabama. I get to play Fresno Pacific in the first round (lol, maybe not so much of a plus...). I get a break from school. AHHH. I am just so excited.
And I get to share all of this with Him. Wholeheartedly. Undividedly. Every moment of happiness, frustration, despair, and excitement- I can run to Him first. What a gift.
I am getting more and more excited to see who He has in store for me, but I am really happy with being able to focus on just sharing these memories with Him.
oh, and my favorite song right now: "dance your life away" by jon mclaughlin. it makes my heart happy.
I finished a test, have three waiting for me when I get back. But for now, I get to breathe... as in inhale and exhale. finally. I leave for alabama tomorrow morning. I am so excited. I can't believe that I get a second chance down there. I can't believe that not only are both coaches going, but also my parents and J. I have felt so bummed the past few days. Conference didn't go well for me, and I was extremely frustrated with some of my teammates... J lost his job. I got sick at A's wedding and basically slept through L's entire trip home. I was so depressed. I was behind on my studying... and just in general overwhelmed.
But that was yesterday. and today, today I can look forward to the next 5. My cousins who I never get to see will be in Indy at my house when I get back, and I get to see their daughter for the first time. I get to see J in Alabama. I get to play Fresno Pacific in the first round (lol, maybe not so much of a plus...). I get a break from school. AHHH. I am just so excited.
And I get to share all of this with Him. Wholeheartedly. Undividedly. Every moment of happiness, frustration, despair, and excitement- I can run to Him first. What a gift.
I am getting more and more excited to see who He has in store for me, but I am really happy with being able to focus on just sharing these memories with Him.
oh, and my favorite song right now: "dance your life away" by jon mclaughlin. it makes my heart happy.
Monday, September 29, 2008
putting the ball in His court.
It's been a while since I wrote. I've been journalling more than writing on here. But I figured I would include an excerpt from an email I recently wrote. About two weeks ago, I played the best tennis of my life. (that may sound boastful, but trust me- it was totally Him). My partner, Courtney and I, won the ITA Regionals. Many people didn't understand the significance of it- but oh goodness, there were so many different elements included... and I don't have time to expound on them all. But here is just a taste:
"This has been one of the biggest rollercoasters of my life (playing tennis at IWU). There have been so many ups and downs. There have been so many lessons that He has taught me through it. The Lord has been so faithful, but has also required so much of me... which I have learned is only possible when I completely surrender every aspect of life to Him. So I was just incredibly overwhelmed when we won that last point of the championship. Literally, I just burst into tears. This tournament was probably the first time I have ever just completely let go, and played for His glory. And regardless of the win (even though it was spectacular), it was amazing just to feel used by Him and play to the absolute best of the abilities He has given me. To hold the outcome of the match loosely, and enjoy each moment of the match. It is quite the view from this mountaintop! :) I'm still kind of speechless- that this is where He has brought me. I'm sure my mom has told you some of the struggles over the years... and this was basically His answer/reason for every single one. And only He knows the true struggle of the journey it was for me, and how much I had to depend on Him.
God is big, faithful, and good- that basically sums it up."
here is a list of some of the elements:
.losing last year in the finals
.playing #3 for a fourth year
.never having my own time to shine
.living under my brothers' shadow
.my shoulder problems
.not sharing last year with D
.playing for ONLY His glory
.being a senior/captain/chaplain
.having my parents both there
.full support of my coaches
.playing with my partner
obviously some of those are positive, and some negative... but overall- God just let me LOVE Him through that day. He is so faithful.
tonight, I again used my testimony from D & I's relationship to talk with one of the girls. it always seems like God parallels that story with theirs. I am just in awe of His plan for our relationship. We struggled so much in the beginning, trying to decide if we should date, whether or not it was within His will. I am absolutely amazed at His sovereignty and faithfulness. I am so thankful for D, and for what God taught me through Him.
"This has been one of the biggest rollercoasters of my life (playing tennis at IWU). There have been so many ups and downs. There have been so many lessons that He has taught me through it. The Lord has been so faithful, but has also required so much of me... which I have learned is only possible when I completely surrender every aspect of life to Him. So I was just incredibly overwhelmed when we won that last point of the championship. Literally, I just burst into tears. This tournament was probably the first time I have ever just completely let go, and played for His glory. And regardless of the win (even though it was spectacular), it was amazing just to feel used by Him and play to the absolute best of the abilities He has given me. To hold the outcome of the match loosely, and enjoy each moment of the match. It is quite the view from this mountaintop! :) I'm still kind of speechless- that this is where He has brought me. I'm sure my mom has told you some of the struggles over the years... and this was basically His answer/reason for every single one. And only He knows the true struggle of the journey it was for me, and how much I had to depend on Him.
God is big, faithful, and good- that basically sums it up."
here is a list of some of the elements:
.losing last year in the finals
.playing #3 for a fourth year
.never having my own time to shine
.living under my brothers' shadow
.my shoulder problems
.not sharing last year with D
.playing for ONLY His glory
.being a senior/captain/chaplain
.having my parents both there
.full support of my coaches
.playing with my partner
obviously some of those are positive, and some negative... but overall- God just let me LOVE Him through that day. He is so faithful.
tonight, I again used my testimony from D & I's relationship to talk with one of the girls. it always seems like God parallels that story with theirs. I am just in awe of His plan for our relationship. We struggled so much in the beginning, trying to decide if we should date, whether or not it was within His will. I am absolutely amazed at His sovereignty and faithfulness. I am so thankful for D, and for what God taught me through Him.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
one last go.
i can't believe its my senior year. i can't believe that i am 22.
it simply astounds me that life happens so fast.
i have a big match today. i made the singles line up for the first time in my college career, playing 6 but it still counts. i've lost one match so far, but won the other. i'm excited about today, but it definitely more than a little nerve wracking. we're playing TU today, which means that if we win, we will probably go to nationals next spring. If we lose? we don't go to nationals, end the 14 year undefeated streak, and will face the wrath of coach. i think there's a bit more than usual resting on this match.
i went to bed last night relatively early, to make sure i would get plenty of sleep for the match. i bypassed doing my reading and told myself i would get up and finish my hmwk before i went to class. unfortunately, i set my cell phone on silent. so i was late to class, didn't do the homework or finish the reading, and failed a test. goodness it's already been such a doozy of a day. i'm trying to let go of that though, since this afternoon will be such a big deal.
i came back to the room and, instead of going to summit, watched tv online. seriously? after i wasted about an hour, i finally realized just how desperate i was for some time with the Lord. I've been hearing over and over again, sermons or messages about learning to just love to be with God. to love to learn about Him, to want to go to Him just because I want to be with Him. I want that so badly. i want to enjoy being single and just love being with Him and loving Him.
as i did my devotions, that same message repeated itself. "Laura, you need to just be with me. you need to just put aside time for you and me. nothing monumental, but learn to love your time with me." and when i gave it to Him? I felt rejuvenated, inspired, and so content. regardless of what else is going on with the day, when I am that close to Him, I know i'm where I'm supposed to be. so much of the past few weeks has felt like I am either "succeeding or failing." there has been no in between.
my mom read me an excerpt from a book she was reading, all about how Moses was not called to fail or succeed in what duties the Lord gave him, but instead to just be faithful. i cannot worry about what I am doing right or wrong, I cannot live my life as a perfectionist and serve the Lord wholeheartedly. I have to do the best I can, with the talents He has given me, in the time that I have available, and be content knowing that I glorified Him in the process.
as I continued to journal today, I felt just led to thank Him for the blessings He has given me. My family, my school, my friends, my roommate, my life. and then, He did a crazy thing. He placed it upon my heart, for the first time in almost a year, to journal for D. My heart felt so heavy thinking about his salvation and where he is at in life- and I desperately want to do something about it. I want to take an action or have an influence. and the Lord just whispered and said, "Laura, your influence is to pray for him." and yes, I have understood that for a long time. But i have not prayed that fervently for a long time.
i am excited for this year. i am excited to continue to just put aside time for Him. to just hole up somewhere and enjoy my time with him. and if I ever get so busy that I don't still have that time, then obviously my priorities are wrong. I'm striving, this year, to make time for Him. to just be with him. to learn the habit of just loving His presence. and to get as close as I can to Him.
so here it is. one last go.
it simply astounds me that life happens so fast.
i have a big match today. i made the singles line up for the first time in my college career, playing 6 but it still counts. i've lost one match so far, but won the other. i'm excited about today, but it definitely more than a little nerve wracking. we're playing TU today, which means that if we win, we will probably go to nationals next spring. If we lose? we don't go to nationals, end the 14 year undefeated streak, and will face the wrath of coach. i think there's a bit more than usual resting on this match.
i went to bed last night relatively early, to make sure i would get plenty of sleep for the match. i bypassed doing my reading and told myself i would get up and finish my hmwk before i went to class. unfortunately, i set my cell phone on silent. so i was late to class, didn't do the homework or finish the reading, and failed a test. goodness it's already been such a doozy of a day. i'm trying to let go of that though, since this afternoon will be such a big deal.
i came back to the room and, instead of going to summit, watched tv online. seriously? after i wasted about an hour, i finally realized just how desperate i was for some time with the Lord. I've been hearing over and over again, sermons or messages about learning to just love to be with God. to love to learn about Him, to want to go to Him just because I want to be with Him. I want that so badly. i want to enjoy being single and just love being with Him and loving Him.
as i did my devotions, that same message repeated itself. "Laura, you need to just be with me. you need to just put aside time for you and me. nothing monumental, but learn to love your time with me." and when i gave it to Him? I felt rejuvenated, inspired, and so content. regardless of what else is going on with the day, when I am that close to Him, I know i'm where I'm supposed to be. so much of the past few weeks has felt like I am either "succeeding or failing." there has been no in between.
my mom read me an excerpt from a book she was reading, all about how Moses was not called to fail or succeed in what duties the Lord gave him, but instead to just be faithful. i cannot worry about what I am doing right or wrong, I cannot live my life as a perfectionist and serve the Lord wholeheartedly. I have to do the best I can, with the talents He has given me, in the time that I have available, and be content knowing that I glorified Him in the process.
as I continued to journal today, I felt just led to thank Him for the blessings He has given me. My family, my school, my friends, my roommate, my life. and then, He did a crazy thing. He placed it upon my heart, for the first time in almost a year, to journal for D. My heart felt so heavy thinking about his salvation and where he is at in life- and I desperately want to do something about it. I want to take an action or have an influence. and the Lord just whispered and said, "Laura, your influence is to pray for him." and yes, I have understood that for a long time. But i have not prayed that fervently for a long time.
i am excited for this year. i am excited to continue to just put aside time for Him. to just hole up somewhere and enjoy my time with him. and if I ever get so busy that I don't still have that time, then obviously my priorities are wrong. I'm striving, this year, to make time for Him. to just be with him. to learn the habit of just loving His presence. and to get as close as I can to Him.
so here it is. one last go.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
coming to an end.
nine days of work. that's all that i have left at cypress gardens. i am honestly somewhat in shock of that. it seems that time has flown by. and yet it feels like i've been here so long that i'm totally used to it. i feel like i'm finding my footing of what i want in a career, that i am finally figuring out exactly what i love to do- and my strengths and weaknesses in my passion.
i'm ready to get home. i'm ready for my senior year- to be an RA and to be a captain/chaplain for my tennis girls. wow. there is only one year left of college- i get one more shot at IWU before i'm done. it's somewhat like de ja vu. my senior year of high school i felt the exact same way. as though i got one more shot at brownsburg high school before i would move on forever. i want to make the most of it. i want to leave knowing that i left everything i needed to say/do at the university. however, i also know that i am continually struggling with the pressure that i keep putting on myself.
i had a breakdown on saturday morning. i was so frustrated because i'm just not the player that i want to be. i feel like i can't break through and into the singles line-up, or even the singles mentality. i want to be a leader for my team. i want to be someone the girls can look up to, since i'm a senior. and yet i'm not even close to being the best player. and its so hard to swallow. i can feel the pressure mounding, that i'm not in the shape i had been so determined to be in before i got home. i feel like i could fail, rather i feel like i am failing, at who i want to be as a person.
i know its a human pride issue. i know its a selfishness issue. but i'm not letting go of it. i'm not handing it over. i'm holding onto it so tightly that it scares me.
i'm not sure when or how i will let go. but i know i need to. if i am going to lead, i need to be completely humble first and foremost.
round and round, here we go again.
i'm ready to get home. i'm ready for my senior year- to be an RA and to be a captain/chaplain for my tennis girls. wow. there is only one year left of college- i get one more shot at IWU before i'm done. it's somewhat like de ja vu. my senior year of high school i felt the exact same way. as though i got one more shot at brownsburg high school before i would move on forever. i want to make the most of it. i want to leave knowing that i left everything i needed to say/do at the university. however, i also know that i am continually struggling with the pressure that i keep putting on myself.
i had a breakdown on saturday morning. i was so frustrated because i'm just not the player that i want to be. i feel like i can't break through and into the singles line-up, or even the singles mentality. i want to be a leader for my team. i want to be someone the girls can look up to, since i'm a senior. and yet i'm not even close to being the best player. and its so hard to swallow. i can feel the pressure mounding, that i'm not in the shape i had been so determined to be in before i got home. i feel like i could fail, rather i feel like i am failing, at who i want to be as a person.
i know its a human pride issue. i know its a selfishness issue. but i'm not letting go of it. i'm not handing it over. i'm holding onto it so tightly that it scares me.
i'm not sure when or how i will let go. but i know i need to. if i am going to lead, i need to be completely humble first and foremost.
round and round, here we go again.
Monday, June 23, 2008
my mirror.
well I made it to florida... over a month ago.
wow. life has flown so quickly.
nationals was incredible. everything went well, including our team walking away with the victory. i love event planning, and it was an exhilarating experience. i felt as though God really used me, and it was an awesome feeling. we then went to alabama and played our tails off, only to eventually get them handed back to us by Fresno. But its the memories that count anyway... right?
on our trip back to indy, we stopped in nashville where I actually stayed until my dad got there and picked me up (we drove straight to florida from nashville). as a team, we said our goodbyes and talked about the future for each player. wow. so many tears! our team had gotten so close. Saying goodbye to the seniors was close to impossible, as well as E. I think that last prayer as a team was one of the most unforgettable memories i have.
Unbeknownst (is that even a word?) to us, God was moving in some mighty ways. E is coming back next year. and i am SO excited. her personality brings so much to the team, definitely a very calming spirit (which i need so badly so often!). So I am pumped for this next season. I can't wait to see what He has in store for us.
Let's see, I then got down to Florida and started working at Cypress Gardens in a sales/events internship. wow.
i really cannot even begin to express the difference between my life in Indiana and life here. It is day and night. My work atmosphere is very liberal, I think I have met one other Christian at Cypress Gardens. being the minority is definitely shell-shocking. to be unique in my lifestyle, and stick up for myself. wow. God has put me here for a reason, but i'm not going to lie. it's hard. it's hard to be the butt of the joke. it's hard to balance conversations. it's hard to miss out on life at home. it's hard to be here without the people i grew up with, or even have gotten so close to over this past year, that know me so well.
there is so much that I want to say, and there is really no one to talk to...
i've struggled. a lot. with confidence. with security. with contentment. gosh. and i sit, and think to myself, "it would be so much easier if there was someone else who was always there for me to call and talk to."
and voila. in comes Him. I've really been enjoying TR, the pastor at Trinity Presbyterian. He does an incredible job at communicating the Word.
This past week, he closed the sermon with Psalm 131:2. It talks about being like a weaned child in his mother's lap. The child is no longer depending on the mom. he no longer is looking to her as a source of supply. instead, the child merely loves sitting in her lap. he wants to get to know her better. to just be with his mom.
crazy, huh? i would LOVE to be that child. to know that I am not going to God always asking for something, but instead, going simply because i long to just be with Him. to experience Him.
what a neat illustration and verse.
so here is where i have found myself recently. so much of my heart is focused on finding mr. right. so much of me wants to feel that approval and attention. i want to be desirable to someone again. i have found myself (many, many times throughout the day) focusing on my appearance or my "status in life," hoping to achieve enough to impress people when I go back home this summer. i long to be that girl that everyone talks about how great she looks. that everyone notices. and yet to feel at the same time, that it could never happen. to feel so insecure about who i am, and not be satisfied. its such a battle for me. to not give into those thoughts. oh, how horrible all of that sounds, but its the honest truth.
so i found myself thinking through all of this, feeling so desperate for attention and praise, and wondering where did I go wrong again. I know I will never be perfect, I know I will never be the prettiest, but I just feel so unfulfilled.
and then it struck me (and it is such a simple thought), but I want people to see Him in me. That's it. I want people's first thoughts to be of how I radiate His joy, His love, His light. I want to show up and for people to only see Him.
I look at how much I have struggled with letting God have control of D's faith. I want so badly for it to turn out perfectly, for him to know the Lord like I do. But maybe that's not God's plan right now, or maybe it did and my view of his faith is skewed. And I don't want my next interaction with Dto be about proving myself to him, that I am in a great spot, that I look great, that I don't need him at all. But instead, that he sees Christ 100% in me. That my life and my spirit radiates God's glory. That my appearance and my confidence are not even a contemplation. I don't want for us to be together. I don't want to cause him to stumble (and please don't think that I am being proud with that thought). I want him to be the man I know God desires him to be.
and the only way for me to let go, and let God completely take back what I was holding onto so tightly, is to just crawl up in His lap. to be eager and anxious to get to know Him better, not asking for anything in return. so that when people see me, they see Him. that i would know Him so well, and be so in love with Him, and be so content with who He wants me to be, that I would not even blink at the thoughts of those around me.
wow. life has flown so quickly.
nationals was incredible. everything went well, including our team walking away with the victory. i love event planning, and it was an exhilarating experience. i felt as though God really used me, and it was an awesome feeling. we then went to alabama and played our tails off, only to eventually get them handed back to us by Fresno. But its the memories that count anyway... right?
on our trip back to indy, we stopped in nashville where I actually stayed until my dad got there and picked me up (we drove straight to florida from nashville). as a team, we said our goodbyes and talked about the future for each player. wow. so many tears! our team had gotten so close. Saying goodbye to the seniors was close to impossible, as well as E. I think that last prayer as a team was one of the most unforgettable memories i have.
Unbeknownst (is that even a word?) to us, God was moving in some mighty ways. E is coming back next year. and i am SO excited. her personality brings so much to the team, definitely a very calming spirit (which i need so badly so often!). So I am pumped for this next season. I can't wait to see what He has in store for us.
Let's see, I then got down to Florida and started working at Cypress Gardens in a sales/events internship. wow.
i really cannot even begin to express the difference between my life in Indiana and life here. It is day and night. My work atmosphere is very liberal, I think I have met one other Christian at Cypress Gardens. being the minority is definitely shell-shocking. to be unique in my lifestyle, and stick up for myself. wow. God has put me here for a reason, but i'm not going to lie. it's hard. it's hard to be the butt of the joke. it's hard to balance conversations. it's hard to miss out on life at home. it's hard to be here without the people i grew up with, or even have gotten so close to over this past year, that know me so well.
there is so much that I want to say, and there is really no one to talk to...
i've struggled. a lot. with confidence. with security. with contentment. gosh. and i sit, and think to myself, "it would be so much easier if there was someone else who was always there for me to call and talk to."
and voila. in comes Him. I've really been enjoying TR, the pastor at Trinity Presbyterian. He does an incredible job at communicating the Word.
This past week, he closed the sermon with Psalm 131:2. It talks about being like a weaned child in his mother's lap. The child is no longer depending on the mom. he no longer is looking to her as a source of supply. instead, the child merely loves sitting in her lap. he wants to get to know her better. to just be with his mom.
crazy, huh? i would LOVE to be that child. to know that I am not going to God always asking for something, but instead, going simply because i long to just be with Him. to experience Him.
what a neat illustration and verse.
so here is where i have found myself recently. so much of my heart is focused on finding mr. right. so much of me wants to feel that approval and attention. i want to be desirable to someone again. i have found myself (many, many times throughout the day) focusing on my appearance or my "status in life," hoping to achieve enough to impress people when I go back home this summer. i long to be that girl that everyone talks about how great she looks. that everyone notices. and yet to feel at the same time, that it could never happen. to feel so insecure about who i am, and not be satisfied. its such a battle for me. to not give into those thoughts. oh, how horrible all of that sounds, but its the honest truth.
so i found myself thinking through all of this, feeling so desperate for attention and praise, and wondering where did I go wrong again. I know I will never be perfect, I know I will never be the prettiest, but I just feel so unfulfilled.
and then it struck me (and it is such a simple thought), but I want people to see Him in me. That's it. I want people's first thoughts to be of how I radiate His joy, His love, His light. I want to show up and for people to only see Him.
I look at how much I have struggled with letting God have control of D's faith. I want so badly for it to turn out perfectly, for him to know the Lord like I do. But maybe that's not God's plan right now, or maybe it did and my view of his faith is skewed. And I don't want my next interaction with Dto be about proving myself to him, that I am in a great spot, that I look great, that I don't need him at all. But instead, that he sees Christ 100% in me. That my life and my spirit radiates God's glory. That my appearance and my confidence are not even a contemplation. I don't want for us to be together. I don't want to cause him to stumble (and please don't think that I am being proud with that thought). I want him to be the man I know God desires him to be.
and the only way for me to let go, and let God completely take back what I was holding onto so tightly, is to just crawl up in His lap. to be eager and anxious to get to know Him better, not asking for anything in return. so that when people see me, they see Him. that i would know Him so well, and be so in love with Him, and be so content with who He wants me to be, that I would not even blink at the thoughts of those around me.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
a thought.
i think i miss what i thought we would be.
i guess that quote sums up my though processes at the moment. i miss looking at someone and seeing a future. i miss the high hopes. i miss my idea of him. i miss my idea of "us." i miss the relationship process, the growing and investing. not so much him, but what he represented.
but i guess the hardest part is just being me. knowing me, all of imperfections and burdens, and hoping that i will be good enough someday for someone. knowing all of my failures and my faults, and still finding confidence. and realizing that God is the only one who can bring out the best in me. He is the only aspect of my life I can take pride in. Not my faith, but His mercy. that it's not another person, whether that be a friend, family, or spouse that makes me better. instead it is the grace of God. the blessing of the Holy Spirit, that makes me the best person that i can be.
i guess that quote sums up my though processes at the moment. i miss looking at someone and seeing a future. i miss the high hopes. i miss my idea of him. i miss my idea of "us." i miss the relationship process, the growing and investing. not so much him, but what he represented.
but i guess the hardest part is just being me. knowing me, all of imperfections and burdens, and hoping that i will be good enough someday for someone. knowing all of my failures and my faults, and still finding confidence. and realizing that God is the only one who can bring out the best in me. He is the only aspect of my life I can take pride in. Not my faith, but His mercy. that it's not another person, whether that be a friend, family, or spouse that makes me better. instead it is the grace of God. the blessing of the Holy Spirit, that makes me the best person that i can be.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
expedition
cypress gardens.
J&M.
fresh start.
new faces.
can't wait.
This year has absolutely flown by. I'm honestly in shock as I think about being a senior in college tomorrow. I have a final in a little less than 5 hours that I have to take, and then poof! there goes another year. this year has been one heck of a ride. so much of me as a person has changed, and yet so much of me is just further solidified in the person i have always been. our house has made a pretty full circle compared to just a few weeks ago. God is so big, in the way that He moves and reveals Himself to us. As far as relationships go, don't worry, I'm still as bashful as ever. I can't quite get up the nerve to say hi... but maybe tomorrow night I will get another chance? yea right. however, thanks to a few coaches, its all been laid out in the open anyway.
i just got done having a late night chat with a fellow student. We were talking about relationships, and how to handle regret. Wow. talk about a heavy topic. it's interesting, to see how many other people struggle in relationships, in whatever way. i think so many times kids feel isolated and alone in their struggle. either they feel ashamed, or are too naive to understand that there are others who are struggling alongside of them, or maybe even a combination of both. as for me, its a process. its a journey to know that mistakes can't be wiped away from my mind-- but then to know and trust that they have been wiped away from His. What an incredible God.
nationals is coming up... two weeks from, well i guess technically yesterday, tournament play begins. it's crazy to think that it is actually happening- that my dream and passion is going to be worked into the picture of a national tournament. what an honor... and a stressor!
I leave for Florida the day I get done with NAIA nationals. I accepted a position at Cypress Gardens for the summer. It should be entertaining, even if it is incredibly frightening. It seems as though it is time for me to grow up... but i just don't want to. It's going to be quite the adjustment to just be on my own. and still- i will get to meet so many new people. i will get a fresh start, a chance to invest in new relationships. what a honor!
life changes. so fast.
J&M.
fresh start.
new faces.
can't wait.
This year has absolutely flown by. I'm honestly in shock as I think about being a senior in college tomorrow. I have a final in a little less than 5 hours that I have to take, and then poof! there goes another year. this year has been one heck of a ride. so much of me as a person has changed, and yet so much of me is just further solidified in the person i have always been. our house has made a pretty full circle compared to just a few weeks ago. God is so big, in the way that He moves and reveals Himself to us. As far as relationships go, don't worry, I'm still as bashful as ever. I can't quite get up the nerve to say hi... but maybe tomorrow night I will get another chance? yea right. however, thanks to a few coaches, its all been laid out in the open anyway.
i just got done having a late night chat with a fellow student. We were talking about relationships, and how to handle regret. Wow. talk about a heavy topic. it's interesting, to see how many other people struggle in relationships, in whatever way. i think so many times kids feel isolated and alone in their struggle. either they feel ashamed, or are too naive to understand that there are others who are struggling alongside of them, or maybe even a combination of both. as for me, its a process. its a journey to know that mistakes can't be wiped away from my mind-- but then to know and trust that they have been wiped away from His. What an incredible God.
nationals is coming up... two weeks from, well i guess technically yesterday, tournament play begins. it's crazy to think that it is actually happening- that my dream and passion is going to be worked into the picture of a national tournament. what an honor... and a stressor!
I leave for Florida the day I get done with NAIA nationals. I accepted a position at Cypress Gardens for the summer. It should be entertaining, even if it is incredibly frightening. It seems as though it is time for me to grow up... but i just don't want to. It's going to be quite the adjustment to just be on my own. and still- i will get to meet so many new people. i will get a fresh start, a chance to invest in new relationships. what a honor!
life changes. so fast.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
oh, life.
its been a joyous day. happy easter to all.
life is about change, and i am seeing the handiwork of God all over the place in the changes around me. i decide tomorrow the fate of my summer, although Florida will happen regardless. i can't believe i'm going to be 22. how does life fly by so quickly? I went to the bburg boys basketball championships this weekend (amazing, i might add), and saw so many people from my past. It's been at least 3 years since I saw most of them. it was incredible to see how little, and yet how much, has changed. have you ever seen the end of mean girls? where the "junior plastics" arrive to take main characters spots in high school? it seemed to happen a lot like that. I could have easily pointed out the specific groups, cliques, and people within the crowd. and at the same time, it was different because i'm not that age anymore. i'm growing, i'm getting older, and i'm going to get pushed into reality in about a year. how intimidating is that?
i'm ready for a change in scenery. i'm ready to get out and explore the world a bit more. feeling independent is liberating, and yet terrifying. i want to experience the world, and yet i am so apprehensive about actually doing it. God has blessed me with incredible friends and family, so i know I won't be alone (plus i have Him), its just the consequences of my actions can't be covered up by someone else. they are my responsibility. yikes!
in some ways I want to speed ahead and see what is next, and in some ways i want to stop life right where it is before it gets any different.
oh, life.
and i really liked this quote: "Life, done properly, is romantic."
life is about change, and i am seeing the handiwork of God all over the place in the changes around me. i decide tomorrow the fate of my summer, although Florida will happen regardless. i can't believe i'm going to be 22. how does life fly by so quickly? I went to the bburg boys basketball championships this weekend (amazing, i might add), and saw so many people from my past. It's been at least 3 years since I saw most of them. it was incredible to see how little, and yet how much, has changed. have you ever seen the end of mean girls? where the "junior plastics" arrive to take main characters spots in high school? it seemed to happen a lot like that. I could have easily pointed out the specific groups, cliques, and people within the crowd. and at the same time, it was different because i'm not that age anymore. i'm growing, i'm getting older, and i'm going to get pushed into reality in about a year. how intimidating is that?
i'm ready for a change in scenery. i'm ready to get out and explore the world a bit more. feeling independent is liberating, and yet terrifying. i want to experience the world, and yet i am so apprehensive about actually doing it. God has blessed me with incredible friends and family, so i know I won't be alone (plus i have Him), its just the consequences of my actions can't be covered up by someone else. they are my responsibility. yikes!
in some ways I want to speed ahead and see what is next, and in some ways i want to stop life right where it is before it gets any different.
oh, life.
and i really liked this quote: "Life, done properly, is romantic."
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
tangles.
so tired. so tired of gossip.
i know that i am guilty of it myself- it's so easy to fall into the trap. but until i take a stand against it, and step up, no one is going to help me out. i want to get through problems, work through them, learn from them. but its not helping if i am just going to the next person and tell them my problems. they have no control of the situation, and i am constantly using it as a "relief source." the more people i tell, the better i feel about it. however, i have a biased mindset. i know that i present the information in support of my opinion- regardless of how objective i try to be. i try and tell myself that i am trying to get other people's opinion, when in reality i just make mine even more harsh. i feel justified by it. how horrible is that? since when is that a healthy way to work through problems. i am tired of gossip, but i rarely completely shut my mouth. i need help to stop. i'm seeing the ramifications of gossip all around me, and i don't want to hurt anyone.
i know that i am guilty of it myself- it's so easy to fall into the trap. but until i take a stand against it, and step up, no one is going to help me out. i want to get through problems, work through them, learn from them. but its not helping if i am just going to the next person and tell them my problems. they have no control of the situation, and i am constantly using it as a "relief source." the more people i tell, the better i feel about it. however, i have a biased mindset. i know that i present the information in support of my opinion- regardless of how objective i try to be. i try and tell myself that i am trying to get other people's opinion, when in reality i just make mine even more harsh. i feel justified by it. how horrible is that? since when is that a healthy way to work through problems. i am tired of gossip, but i rarely completely shut my mouth. i need help to stop. i'm seeing the ramifications of gossip all around me, and i don't want to hurt anyone.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
.bow and arrow.
stupid cupid, he's been picking on me.
its been a good day overall. i have really been able to enjoy those that i am with and be productive. however, i am also finding myself stuck. stuck in this state of waiting. i'm glad that i am here. i'm glad that i am seeing how much i need to depend on God, that it should be complete, full dependency. but when plans change, when the night ends, and when i feel like i am able to just move without being seen-- that gets hard. gosh, i want to be seen. i want to feel important. my pride feels like the elephant in the room. uncomfortable because most people would say that i am depressed when i am, in all honesty, being selfish. i don't want to put myself out there because i don't feel good enough to. i feel misunderstood because i am not heard. not heard because i am too reserved. too reserved because i don't want to put effort into something and get let down again. none of this makes sense. at all.
sorry.. plain and simple? i know that i should be enjoying this day, and loving my true Valentine... because it could be one of the last ones, where He gets my full attention on this day. and yet i am still struggling for recognition, care, and comfort. wake up and smell the coffee. feel the jab- God just struck me with his arrow..
its been a good day overall. i have really been able to enjoy those that i am with and be productive. however, i am also finding myself stuck. stuck in this state of waiting. i'm glad that i am here. i'm glad that i am seeing how much i need to depend on God, that it should be complete, full dependency. but when plans change, when the night ends, and when i feel like i am able to just move without being seen-- that gets hard. gosh, i want to be seen. i want to feel important. my pride feels like the elephant in the room. uncomfortable because most people would say that i am depressed when i am, in all honesty, being selfish. i don't want to put myself out there because i don't feel good enough to. i feel misunderstood because i am not heard. not heard because i am too reserved. too reserved because i don't want to put effort into something and get let down again. none of this makes sense. at all.
sorry.. plain and simple? i know that i should be enjoying this day, and loving my true Valentine... because it could be one of the last ones, where He gets my full attention on this day. and yet i am still struggling for recognition, care, and comfort. wake up and smell the coffee. feel the jab- God just struck me with his arrow..
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
.progress.
sara groves is my favorite.
It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's
Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember
And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character
Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending
And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars
Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come
And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you
And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars
And more like...
Character
moving on. sometimes i still catch myself, but those moments are fewer and far between. God is providing for me. And yet, just as I think I can handle this, that i can do it... He reminds me of my weaknesses.
my family is in a state of anticipation. jobs are in the air, for almost all of us. and its hard to trust. but looking back on this year... who am I if I don't immediately cry out, "Oh but God, He is faithful." because after this year, that is the one thing I can hold onto with certainty.
It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's
Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember
And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character
Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending
And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars
Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come
And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you
And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars
And more like...
Character
moving on. sometimes i still catch myself, but those moments are fewer and far between. God is providing for me. And yet, just as I think I can handle this, that i can do it... He reminds me of my weaknesses.
my family is in a state of anticipation. jobs are in the air, for almost all of us. and its hard to trust. but looking back on this year... who am I if I don't immediately cry out, "Oh but God, He is faithful." because after this year, that is the one thing I can hold onto with certainty.
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