FINALLY.
It honestly amazes me how long it takes me to catch on sometimes. J & I both have been adjusting to life. Growing pains? Sure, I can call it that. Growing up into a job. Growing out of summer vacations and constant change. Growing into the corporate world. Definitely painful.
My blogs have been so depressed lately. I was having such a hard time focusing on where I was at- I just want to keep looking ahead. It's like reading a book to a 2 year old. You open the cover. The colors jump off the page, the voices of the characters come to life. You turn the page- and start to get into the story. Then, the little hand reaches up and turns the page- mid sentence. Again and again, the rustling of the pages interrupt the story. This precious child never gets the whole story. They never see the full picture. They just want to go onto the next best thing.
Enter moi. I'm screaming "Turn the page!!" and He is saying "If you will merely listen to me, you will enjoy this story so much more."
I am so busy looking ahead, so excited to see what else might happen- I forget to think about now. To add more to that burden, I'm not only part dreamer, I'm also part realist. I dream about the future, and then I worry about what will go wrong. Hence the restlessness I have been feeling. I was recently told by someone very wise: you'll find peace when you focus on experiencing God, rather than experiencing life. I sat and wrestled with that idea for days. The American culture is all about freedom: explore, dream, live to the fullest. Independence: do what you want! Live where you want! If you can afford it, do it! If you can't afford it, save your money and then do it! And I absolutely believe that God intends for us to do each of those things. But I am also starting to realize that He also intends to teach me right now.
One more illustration, and I will go. My dearest roommate shared this with me- and I hope I can do it justice.
When a horse trainer is breaking a stallion, he will keep it in a small pen. Day after day, the trainer will go to the horse- train it, ride it, and begin to break the will of the horse. After some time, a bystander might watch the two and believe the horse is trained. The horse listens to its master. It responds quickly, and moves easily- in tune with the instructions. The bystander might ask, "The horse is ready! It obviously knows your voice and listens to your instruction." And the trainer would reply, "You may think the horse is ready now. Yes, it listens to my voice and responds to my instruction. But what happens when I take it out of this pen? What happens when we are running full speed and my loud voice sounds like a tiny whisper? I want it to be able to hear my voice above all of the noise. I want the horse to be assured of my presence, even if it can barely hear me. I want it to trust my instruction, and obey my direction, no matter what distractions come."
So I am going to stay put. Until He opens the gate, and says "Giddy-up."
