up til now.

it is 1:54 in the morning.
i need to be in bed, yet i am still awake.
i feel like i have accomplished a lot in the past two months or so. moving on and letting go has been a challenge, but the steps are getting easier. the reminders and the memories, though sweet, are not as hard to push away. i can be thankful for them, and know that they were part of God's plan, but also know that today is part of His plan and He put me right where i am.
however, i do find myself becoming impatient. i want to see where God is leading me. i want to see the next step, the next goal. i guess i have yet to understand the lesson He taught me two months ago- He is in complete control. He is sovereign. He is faithful. so why am i still doubtful and anxious? I need to enjoy my girls. i need to enjoy being single. i need to be okay around guys, and not look for Mr. Right. God will provide me with the right person at the exact right time- but i have to be doing His will in the mean time.
This semester has been insane. there are situations, people, and problems far bigger than I can influence. i feel helpless, weak, and totally unprepared so much of the time. i feel self conscious. i feel unwanted. i feel like a misfit. but what i really do not understand, is why i can't just realize WHY. why would i want to feel included, attractive, or popular in society? that is not my calling. i am not supposed to fit in, i am supposed to glorify God. trust me though, it is a lot easier than it sounds.
i find myself developing "crushes," talking about them as if they are my dream guy. yes, there is no doubt that they are attractive, but i know that they are not what God wants for me right now. who knows what they are really like beneath the surface? i need to be content with where i am. i need to serve His kingdom. if and when a guy comes along, i pray that he will only encourage my walk, and help me serve the Lord.
i do miss sharing my life with another person. i miss talking to someone late at night, or calling early in the morning just to hear their "morning voice." but what i am really missing, is sharing my life with Christ. i try and fill my day with things to occupy my mind, yet never hesitate to turn to Him. i should be telling Him the little things, talking to Him late at night and when i rise in the morning. He is my Abba, my Creator. I am so ungrateful when it comes to showing gratitude for all He has done for me. i want to appreciate Him, what He has done and what He continues to do in my life. i have been so blessed, and i rarely stop to thank Him.
so before i take another step in the "guy" world, i want to first immerse myself into His kingdom. i want to be submerged, not distracted by the idea of dating. i want to love my Savior. i want others to see Him in me. I want to radiate Him- and let myself be confident through His work through me.

"but I will boast in Jesus Christ, his death and resurrection."

you can't recycle life.

its 1:41 in the morning. i can't sleep.
there is simply too much on my mind.
i have two rather large tests in the morning, that at this point I have no hope of passing.
i am playing catch-up like its my job (and i guess it is) since i missed so much last week.
i am just trying to keep my head above water.
how interesting life is. i am anxious beyond all get out to find the man of my dreams. and yet i am also scared beyond all get out that i will find him and regret the time i spent looking for him.