land o' lakes.

I love where I live. And by love, I mean I am absolutely overwhelmed that this is where the Lord chose for me to be.

It feels so good to know I am where I am supposed to be. It is so exciting to know that the past three months (gulp!) have been filled with joy- joy that He intended for me to experience.

You all need to meet my roommate, J. We have an ridiculous amount of fun together. As 2 of the 5 (or so it seems) single girls in Lakeland, we are truly enjoying figuring out life together. Learning what it means to have a job, pay the bills, buy groceries, etc. We have a small apartment that is home sweet home. We have shared hysterically funny moments, as well as been challenged (and encouraged) by each other to do better.

I am discovering more of who I am, and what encompasses my own person, than I ever have before. I don't have anyone making decisions for me, which is both exhilarating and positively scary. :) I am figuring out what I like. For instance, decorating my room has been incredibly fun. I am living in a half finished room, but the finished half is full of things that I love. There is just so much that I am discovering. I am realizing that I don't have to put on a face or be someone that I'm not. I think this may be the first time that I haven't been "in charge" of some group, or responsible for some thing. I feel free to do whatever I want to do. WEIRD! :)

I know all of this may sound entirely selfish, but it has been really enlightening to discover who I am. I was talking to one of my favorite people who is in a similar situation right now. We decided this phase is similar to the scene in Runaway Bride where Julia Roberts finally figures out how she likes her eggs best. I LOVE that picture for my life right now. I can't wait to discover more of who I am- and more of who HE created me to be. Being in His presence daily, falling in love with Him. I would not, could not, trade that for anything. TR gave a sermon yesterday about being in a marriage covenant with the Lord. That the Lord wants "to have and to hold" us. We so often try to steal from God, we only want bits and pieces in a relationship with Him. We are longing for intimacy and look in all the wrong places. We hunger for someone to accept and love us as we are, but we refuse to give up control, to be faithful, to be open to Him. Other people are never going to fill that void. I want to be in that relationship with the Lord- and strive to learn that first- before anyone else is added to the picture.

I know that someday my prince will come. But I am totally content for that to not to be today.

soundtrack.

I love music.

If you've read any of my blog, you know that I love lyrics. I love discovering new songs, hearing new stories, getting a glimpse of an artist's thoughts. I've been blessed by so many songs throughout my life, and it is always interesting to see how for each season of life there is a different song that coincides with what is happening in those moments.

Here are some of my all time favorite songs (and artist's). They are totally out of order, but I would encourage you to check them out. Sara Groves gets the overwhelming "favorite" vote.

1. Add to the Beauty- Sara Groves. My theme song for my senior year of college.

2. Better than Life- Seeds Kids Worship. Trinity played a rendition of this song during worship last summer during a "dry spell" when I moved down to Florida for an internship. God used Psalm 63 in so many ways over the next 6 months and this song just played over and over again.

3. Out of the Depths- Sovereign Grace Music. Another Trinity song. My prayer for the Helm family 2009.

4. Praise you in this storm- Casting Crowns. The day I was first challenged to let go, I walked back into the condo and Meg was playing this song.

5. It's going to be alright- Sara Groves. Fall 2007.

6. Less like scars- Sara Groves. Winter 2007.

7. Better Hands- Natalie Grant. Spring 2008.

8. Painting Pictures of Egypt- Sara Groves. July 2009.

9. He's always been Faithful- Sara Groves. August 2009.

10. Revelation Song- Various artists. Spring 2009.

11. Your Hands- JJ Heller. My prayer for several of my favorite people in the world, Fall 2009.

There are so many more, but those are just the ones that are on my iTunes list right now.

ready, set, sprint.

Life is totally different.

I have my first job, my first office, my first career, my first apartment, my first stack of "responsible papers" (otherwise known as bills).

I have been hired by Woodmen of the World to promote their product through events, for both the company and the community. Technically, I am the Community Outreach Director. Not so technically, I have three jobs in one. It's a little confusing to explain, but it's a job.. and it is a fantastic one! I get to coordinate events for a corporation, but also for a non-profit organization. One of my favorite perks? I get to work with my brother, J. We have continually caught each other laughing at God's provision for our lives. Not only are we in the same state, in the same city, in the same church, and living 2.2 miles away from each other- but we are in the same company. I am loving it. Both J & M were tremendous hosts for me all summer long, and I will be forever grateful for their support and hospitality while I figured life out.

I have a roommate.. who is a delightful combination of two of my favorite people, and I see a lot of promise in our friendship. J is hysterically similar to me- and we are having an absolute blast trying to figure out this whole "independent lifestyle" thing. God was definitely watching over me when he put us together. It's great to get home and have someone to share life with- and inspire me to live better (in a multitude of ways).

On a more serious note- being in the "real world," and experiencing life outside of IWU's bubble is exciting- and heartbreaking. The world is so lost- and people's priorities are so skewed. I don't mean to say that mine aren't- but I at least have had a glimpse of His purpose in life. I am not perfect, and I continually need to ask for forgiveness, but I have peace and a joy that seems alarmingly out of place. There is little hope, little joy, and a reliance on self in the world's eyes that quickly leads to frustration and despair. I am struggling to find a balance in this world- and I know that the one source that I need to rely on is Him.

It's just a crazy stage of life. I don't know how else to explain it. Everything is new, everything is exciting. There are few "knowns" and several "unknowns." I wonder how long it will take for the rhythm and cycles of life to kick in.

I've been talking all year about change. I guess it just rolled in..

miss independent.

23 years old. Single. Unemployed.

Perfect.

The past four months have been unsettling, to say the least. It has been so incredibly hard for me (especially considering my personality), to not be able to plan. From graduation until today, I have not spend more then two & 1/2 weeks in one spot. I have been wrestling with juggling my future in my hands, momentarily grasping onto it, only for God to bobble it out of my hands once again. As soon as I began to get "comfortable," everything changed. From Indiana, to Alabama, to Indiana, to Florida, to Indiana, to Florida. My car is still half packed- waiting on its final destination to be announced. If only I knew!

It has been so incredibly hard for me to find joy these past four months. After having such an incredible last semester of college, after finding so much joy and excitement- and peace- throughout the spring, I found myself floundering. I so badly wanted to know what was next. I secluded myself from groups and from people, because I felt so unsure. I desperately wanted to be able to answer the looming questions [Where are you going to work? What are your plans? Are you dating anyone? What is next?], but their guess was as good as mine. I wanted to scream.

I spent an awesome weekend down at the lakehouse with my family a few weeks ago, and after pouring out my frustration to a cousin, was encouraged by her to dig into Ruth [don't you just love family?!]. I have been amazed at her willingness to do the next thing, even if she is completely unsure of what it is. She followed Naomi back to a strange city, lived among strangers, and worked a strange city- all without complaining. She did not have answers, but she was still just doing the next thing. What an example!

I think I need to reevaluate. I need to work now. I need to contribute now- even if I do not know where to begin. I need to take advantage of my independence and be eager to help. I need not be intimated or worried- He will provide. He has the best in store, and His plan for our lives is so much bigger than we ever could have conceived.

Blessed be His name.

best. friends. forever.

Tonight, this morning, whichever... I want to ask a couple questions:

Do your friends ever inspire you to run back into His presence?

Do your friends challenge you & encourage you?

Do your friends ask you the tough questions?

Because I am so blessed. Tonight I had a conversation with one of my favorite people in the world. Just hearing her voice and listening her talk about how on fire she is for the Lord, and how excited she is about her daily time with Him- it just sparked a desire. A desire deep in my being- to run to our Daddy, to our Savior, to our Prince. She challenged me. She expected more from me- and I needed to hear it.

Quality friends. I am so grateful for the friendships that I have been blessed with throughout my life. Neighborhood friends, Jr. High friends, tennis friends, college friends, RA friends, and friends from all of those summers in between. I have quality friends. Friends who understand my imperfections but also understand the importance of accountability and, thankfully, grace.

Some people may call me sheltered, and I have heard the word "naive" directed my way several times, but oh, I disagree. I have experienced life, with some of the most amazing people in the entire world. It's easy for me to get caught up in the "world's perspective" of life- and desire the things of this world. However, when I have conversations like I just did tonight- it does not matter, even for a moment. All that matters is where I stand with Him. All that matters is knowing what I did for His glory, how I poured myself out for Him, and what I did to know Him better- day in and day out.

The best part of having quality friends, is that these friendships not only last a lifetime- but forever.

So when was the last time you had a friend ask you the hard questions? When was the last time you were held accountable with how you spent your time? When was the last time a conversation with a friend went past the surface?

Are you missing out?

etch-a-sketch.

Each time I think I know...

It just seems as though I am taking one step forward, and then two steps back. Each time a door opens, it shuts. Any plan I begin to make is shaken vigorously until it falls away.

I still do not know what tomorrow holds, nor do I have any clue where I am supposed to be. However, in packing (for a tentative destination), I found a poem that a dear friend gave me. It seems wildly appropriate and was wonderfully refreshing to read.

Enjoy!

My Lord God

I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,

and the fact that I

think I am following Your will

does not mean that

I am actually doing so.

But I believe the desire to please You

does, in fact, please You.

And I hope that I have that desire

in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything

apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this

You will lead me by the right road,

though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore, I will trust You always,

though I may be lost

and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear,

for You are ever with me, here...

and you will never leave me

to face my perils alone.

[thomas merton]

uprooted.

It's been far over a month since my last post. I thought I would know by now. I thought I would have figured out the next part, the next phase, the next step. But at this point? Nothing is clear, except the most important: I am not in control.

I can't believe that I am back at square one. I can't believe I am again learning the lesson that I have to let go of my plans, let go of my goals, let go of my control. I so badly want to be moving on, to have something to look forward to, to have something to attain. But I find myself just swimming in a mess of undecideds. I haven't hung out with friends because I never know where I am going to be, or what I am going to do. I haven't been motivated to look for jobs, because I never know what state to look in. I haven't been eager to catch up with anyone, because I have no new news, no idea of what the future holds.

I spun myself silly. I kept turning, determined to find the right place to venture. I felt left behind, because so many of my friends have new jobs, new cities, even new husbands/relationships to experience. I was envious, and disappointed.. I was struggling to share their joy, because I felt so lost.

Well, let's see. After the past two years, what have I learned? Oh yes, that God is faithful. That I need to trust Him. That He does indeed have the best in store for me, regardless of where or when His will is revealed. And I missed that message, by a mile. I was searching for what was next, and put Him on the back burner.

I spent the majority of last week at the lakehouse. I woke up early each day, listening to the sound of little pounding feet, muffled squeals and the giggles of second-cousins. Not quite wanting to ease my body out of bed, I found myself journalling, reading, and spending time in the Word each morning. I'm ashamed to admit it took me that long to finally dig back in to what I knew was going to be true. If I was ever going to figure out what was next, I needed to let go and trust that He is in control.

"Bloom where are you now planted."

It's a very applicable quote from a book I read over the weekend.

I am still waiting on a phone call. I still do not know what is next. But I am resting, and feel far more at peace about where I am. If I am seeking Him, rather than my own ambition, then I am able to grow now, instead of waiting until "tomorrow."

I will leave you with these lyrics. Sara Groves rocks.

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

catch-up, then mustard.

In less than 24 hours, a new phase of my life will be determined and I will be walking into the next open door.  I have no idea where I will be. I might be right here, in my bed in Indianapolis, I might be in a house unfamiliar to me somewhere in Georgia, or I might be in Lakeland, Florida.  

I will turn 23 on the day that the next chapter begins.  I simply can't believe life happens this fast. 

And I am really excited. and nervous. and scared. and terrified. and exhilarated. and unprepared. and ready. 

I feel all of that, at the same time. I didn't even know that was possible.  

I feel bad that it has been almost 3 months since my last post.  Life simply took off and ran, as I merely tried to catch up.  So much happened in the last three months. So much that I knew was coming, had been trying to prepare for- but once it starts moving, its so hard to stay ahead of the game.  It's so hard to actually feel those moments and realize what is going on.

I graduated college.  

I said goodbye to IWU.

I finished my role as RA.

I said farewell to my college friends.

I completed my collegiate tennis career.

I coordinated the NCCAA Tennis Nationals.

I hosted showers and parties for my engaged friends.

I interviewed for jobs, for which I felt under-qualified and unprepared. 

I turned down job offers, even though I had no assurance that there would be another one. 

Throughout this past 3 months, God has continually taught me one recurring lesson.

-He does not call us to be perfect. He does not call us to be successful.  He calls us to be faithful.

And I believe that with all of my heart- I have to.  I have to claim that and hold tightly to it.  

bubbly.

oh where do i begin?

It's been about a month since my last post. I feel very behind on updating about where I am at in life. I, first of all, want to express just how good the Lord is. He is working in mighty ways. It's been a really hard week, incredibly hard week, for the women in my life. Emotions have been running so high, and for good reason. It has been incredible to see how the Lord moves and orchestrates each of those events, and allows each of us to be in the right place for each other.

I can't really describe what I am feeling right now, besides an overwhelming joy in my life.
I can't help it.
I closed a door a while ago, and I can't help but feel liberated. I feel free, and so incredibly excited about what is next. I am currently battling a relatively vicious cold, but still, I feel amazing. I am FREE. Can I explain what that means? Absolutely not. But my heart is free from the bondage, from the pain, from the past. I didn't even realize that I started writing about this joy in my last entry. How blessed am I that I have felt this intense joy for over a month?

It's been a long week. I am so blessed by the women in my life, and so thankful that I am living with the girls that I am. We have been through a lot together, and it amazes me how close we can become in such a short time. My heart has just been breaking repeatedly for those around me. Life can be such a struggle. I am so grateful that I can be used as a pillar of strength, or arms of compassion. I am so blessed that the Lord has brought me this far. I almost forget what it's like to be in a relationship, and have to consistently be aware of another person (which sounds far more selfish than I mean it to). I am, however, so thankful that I am single right now, in this moment. I wouldn't trade this time, this phase, these moments for anything. . . and I LOVE that I can say that, and mean it wholeheartedly.

I have heard over and over again, about how God always puts you in a place where you are finally content- and then brings that special someone into your life. But for me? Now that I am actually there? I really wasn't sure if I would ever "make it" to this moment- and right now, I don't want it to end.

recycle.

IWU has been focusing on purity all week. I hesitate to write this post, because I am nervous of how it will be perceived. However, I also have experienced so much freedom in the past week and a half, that I can't deny sharing about the grace that covers me. I have struggled, in so many ways, to be pure: emotionally, physically, spiritually. Even today, before I went to chapel tonight, I spoke with a dear friend about the freedom that I have felt this week from bondage from my past. Am I proud of the mistakes I have made? Of course not. Am I amazed at His hand and His grace that has continually enveloped me? Absolutely. Relationships define so much of who a person is, who he or she becomes. I love relationships. I love being intentional with people. I love, and have an incredible passion for, investing in someone else and growing with them.

And yet, I am realizing more and more just how easily I fall into the trap of letting my relationship with a friend cloud my relationship with God. I become dependent on that person, and begin to rely on them for the qualities that only He will provide. Last week, I closed a door in my life. I let go, and finally gained freedom from an issue I had been wrestling with for quite a while. I feel liberated, so free to do whatever is next. I have almost rediscovered the joys of life. That sounds dramatic, but I don't know how else to explain it. I am once again looking at each day as a new blessing to devote to loving others, while at the same time keeping Him in the center. I can foster healthy relationships and invest in others, but also keep my attention on Him. Am I perfect in doing this? Absolutely not. But when I am able to do it, I feel so much joy.

I was so worried about having my own room and was petrified that I would hole up and never talk to anyone. But it's almost as though the exact opposite has happened. I am being even more intentional about spending time with others, but I look forward to coming back to my room to spend time journalling, reading, etc.

I feel content being me. I enjoy time by myself and look forward to having quiet time. When I am getting ready for bed, I don't have to worry about keeping someone else up with my devotions. I can spend as much time as I want in the Word. That feeling is absolutely liberating! The dear friend that I was talking with tonight said it so well: "It's a different kind of stillness." She understood the significance of my revelation, which must seem so trivial to most.

Okay, and here goes the crazy, weird part- which I am certain will sound so morbid. But I have long felt that my life on the earth is short. Shorter than most? I don't know. But every now and then, there is just a sense of urgency within me. Have I told those around me how much I love them? Do they know how thankful I am for their lives? This joy that has been bubbling inside of me this week, can they see it? Do they understand just how amazing His love really is? This stillness that I have found this semester has brought so much purpose to my life. If I never plan another event, finish another assignment, play another match- I know that the purpose of my life on earth is to love others. To pour His love into them, as He pours into me. And the best part? I know that the more that I seek Him, the more joy He will bring to my life, which I can continue to pass on to others: over and over again.

Oh, and here are some lyrics to a song that I heard tonight that I loved.
It's called "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North.

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

unprepared.

I'm beginning to realize how much I am going to miss this.
this season.
this phase.
this scene.

I'm not ready to be done.

find a bird, frannie.

I went hunting.

Well, I guess I didn't shoot a gun so I technically didn't hunt... but I did go with my dad while he, my uncle, and three of their friends went hunting. Apparently my going surprised a few people... but I love learning new things, and I couldn't resist a trip with my dad. I'm graduating in a few months, so what better time than now to go on an adventure with him?

And oh, what an adventure it was. Five men, all over 40, let me invade their "guy's weekend." Somehow, I ended up with my own room and the biggest bed in the bunk house. They treated me wonderfully, and were incredibly patient with me, as I put on at least 15 items of clothing or showered in twice the time it took them. However, they weren't bashful at all about poking fun at each other and cracking jokes the entire time. It was entertaining from the very first moment on. 8 hours to Lawrence, and another 5 to Logan. Hunting is quite the sport. I say sport, because it was quite the workout. Three days of walking around trying to find birds. :) Luckily, we had five awesome dogs that went along with us. Frannie and I were the only girls.

I am just so thankful for all of the memories. Especially with my dad. We had some really fun (any funny) moments together, including our 12 hour long excursion back home (He did point out that we missed one Bass Pro Shop between Lawrence and home... let me point out that we only missed one). We had a blast, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I almost stepped on two quail and one pheasant (and yelped all three times once they flushed)... and then sat down on a ridge with William, only to find out moments later that there was a quail about 6 feet from my foot hiding in the bush. So I then sat next to William as he shot at the bird. We hunted in 40mph winds the first night, after a 20 degree drop in the temperature. I saw the biggest cowpies ever. I tried hominy, listened to the guys all talk about the importance of Bean-o when chili is eaten, ate more twizzlers than I knew possible, and ducked whenever I saw a gun anywhere close (please know that I was far more paranoid than they were unsafe).

But I also saw a whole new part of God's creation. Rolling hills, flint hills, prairie chickens, incredible sunrises and sunsets, rabbits, cedar trees, and miles and miles of amazing landscape. It was beautiful- and it proves there is so much to life for me to see and experience.

All in all, memories to last a life time.

so long desert.

I missed january 1st by four hours, but this is close enough to a fresh start.

This Christmas break has been a very trying one for me personally. Nothing life threatening, nothing incredibly drastic, but that was the kicker. Nothing happened. I saw friends, which was wonderful, but rather uneventful. I spent time with my family, which was mediocre (highly unusual for me). I had no major plans, and no surprises. It was bland, life was fine, I was just being.

But it was incredibly hard to enjoy life just being. My family was not enjoying each other, little things continued to build, arguments continued to occur. My friends were busy, constantly- which was totally fine for them. just harder on me. An occasional activity would bring me out of the house, but I was just plain blah. All of my good intentions to start working on plans for spring semester were hindered by my computer being eaten by a virus. The few "exciting" options I had been looking forward to were canceled. Just blah. It's been over two months since I first thought about going to Africa, but I haven't heard any clear direction one way or another from the Lord since then. In fact, He has been pretty much silent for over an month. I heard three sermons between November and December about the silence of God- and the importance of waiting that "season" out. The future had a huge cloud over it. I was scared to take any step in any direction. It was far easier to just sit still and wallow, rather than trying to make any decision. Africa? No Africa? Full-time job? Part-time job? Live in Indy? Move elsewhere? All of these questions are huge, and daunting, and alarmingly necessary. I could not, cannot avoid facing what is coming in four months.

I was on the phone with a dear friend last Saturday, talking about how frustrating my break had been and how "the future" seemed to be enjoying torturing me. I was overwhelmed, and it felt really good to have a friend to actually talk to. To have someone not just talk superficially, but honestly and openly- intentionally asking me about how I was doing. We both agreed that digging into the Word and pressing myself to Him even more would only help. I arrived home, excited to start fresh... but by the end of the evening, it had become overwhelmingly frustrating in the house again. I really feel that Satan attacked us that night.

Thankfully, Sunday came and throughout the course of the day, I saw the first few rays of daylight streaming through the clouds. Our family began to acknowledge and communicate- and head in the right direction. I had a few more places to go, the business of life began to pick up. But more than anything, I was seeing little glimmers of His presence throughout my day. On Tuesday, I received two random phone calls- both from companies in another state- offering me jobs. Literally- in less than 2 hours I had been given amazing opportunities. God is amazing.

So anyways, I've gone through a lot this break, despite my best efforts to simply relax and do nothing. Daily, my family is learning how to communicate more effectively and serve one another. I've seen the importance of fellowship and also the importance of being active. I've been through a "silent season" again, and once again been taught the entire way through it.

So bring on the New Year. I am praying that my 2009 would not be in vain. I want to glorify Him and follow Him where He leads me. I want to find contentment in Him wherever I am and regardless of who surrounds me.

Here's to 2009.