Smaller than an ant

I lost a big match today. Well, I suppose it wasn't very big, but it was to a thirteen year old. So maybe by big I mean embarrassing. Yes, I suppose that is it. I was winning and then I was winning again, but I couldn't win the entire set. Just back and forth and back and forth. I was so frustrated when I lost the first set, basically I couldn't even start to win the second set. I am so mad at myself I don't even know what to say. I'm to the point where I don't know if I actually have the courage to get back on the court. I am that freaked out. But I am supposed to play at 11 tomorrow morning. So what am I going to do from now until then? Take a shower, make a present, and thank God that He gives me strength.
I'll probably bust out the hot chocolate too.

alone

have you ever regretted something?
have you ever regretted something big?
have you ever regretted something big enough to want to crawl into a hole?

have you ever messed up?
have you ever messed up too much?
have you ever messed up too much to return where you came from?

i sit alone
i watch the sunrise in the snow
i stand alone
i watch the people as they go

i wish i had never
never dreamed about it
i wish i had never
let my imagination run

i wish you knew
knew that it goes far beyond today
i wish you knew
it takes a lot to feel okay

i sit alone
i watch the sunset in the rain
i stand alone
i let go of all the hurt and all the pain

i wish you knew
knew that life goes far beyond today
i wish you knew
just what helped to feel okay

you sit alone
you wonder who can make it right
I've cried alone
come meet the Way, the Truth, The Life.

a magic carpet ride

discovering a new world.

i've got 6 months before everything changes. i've got 3 weeks until school will no longer seem so important. but i know that any certain day things might change more drastically than i can even imagine. people wonder why i believe what i believe. people wonder why i trust in what i do. it seems as though i've finally begun to answer that question.

one day

one day i will get married and have kids.
one day i will buy my own apartment.
one day i will...

funny how often i say that today's trial doesn't matter because one day i will grow up, get married and have kids. funny how even though that is my true heart's desire, it's easy for me to assume that it is going to happen. i wonder what would happen if i changed the comment to "one day i will praise my Lord and Savior forever in the streets of Heaven," how much stress would then be relieved? what if i based my hopes in Him rather than my selfish dreams? Life gets hectic and crazy, it is overwhelming and exhausting. Life is given to us by God in preparation for His kingdom. why worry about the petty? why focus on my plans? why not focus on His?

Something from Cribs.

My child,
You may not know me, but I know everything about you... Psalm 139:1. I know when you sit and when you rise up... Psalm139:2 I am familiar with all your ways... Psalm 139:3 Even the very hairs on your head are numbered... Matt 10:29 For you were made in my image... Genesis 1:27 In me you live and move and have your being... Acts 17:28 For you are my offspring...Acts 17:28 I knew you even before you were conceived... Jeremiah 1:4 I chose you when I planned creation...Ephesians 1:11 You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book... Psalm 139:15 I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live... Acts 17:26 You are fearfully and wonderfully made...Psalm 139:14 I knit you together in your mother's womb... Psalm 139:13 And brought you forth on the day you were born... Psalm 71:6 I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me... John 8:41 I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love... 1 John 4:16 And it is my desire to lavish my love on you... 1 John 3:1 Simply becuase you are my child and I am your father... 1 John 3:1 I offer you more than your earthly father ever could... Matt 7:11 For I am the perfect Father... Matt 5:48 Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand... James 1:17 For I am your provider and I meet all your needs... Matt 6:31 My plan for your future has always been filled with hope... Jeremiah 29:11 Because I love you with an everlasting love...Jeremiah 31:3 My thoughts towards you are as countless as the sand on the seashore... Psalm 139:17 And I rejoice over you with singing...Zephaniah 3:17 I will never stop doing good to you... Jeermiah 32:40 For you are my treasured possession... Exodus 19:5 I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul... Jeremiah 32:41 And I want to show you great and marvelous things... Jeremiah 33:3 If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me... Deuteronomy 4:29 Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart... Psalm 37:4 For it is I who gave you those desires...Philippians 2:13 I am able to do more than you could possibly imagine... Ephesians 3:20 For I am your greatest encourager... 2 Thessalonians 2:16 I am also the Father that comforts you in all your troubles... 2 Corinthians 1:3 When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you... Psalm 34:18 One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes... Revelation 21:3 And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth... Revelation 21:3 I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus... John 17:23 For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed... John 17:26 He is the exact representation of my being... Hebrews 1:3 He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you... Romans 8:31 And to tell you that I am not counting your sins... 2 Corinthians 5:18 His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you... 1 John 4:10 I gave up everything that I loved that I might gain your love... Romans 8:31 If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me... 1 John 2:23 And nothing will ever separate you from my love again... Romans 8:38 Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen...Luke 15:7 I have always been Father and will always be Father...Ephesians 3:14-15 My question is...Will you be my child? John 1:12-13 I am waiting for you... Luke 15: 11-33

Love,
Your Dad, Almighty God

thinking back on a yesterday

this is an odd idea/demonstration.
i was wearing a half covenant/half brownsburg tshirt at the regional soccer game on wednesday night. I wanted to support both sides, I was rooting for the guys I grew up with...and I was rooting for the guys I have come to know over the past few years of public school. I was cheering for a cousin, I was cheering for great friends. Some people looked at me and told me how cute of an idea it was. They were encouraging and made me feel like I could fit in. On the other hand, I had people blatantly embarrass me and yell in my face that I was a traitor. This happened from both sides. I could only be accepted if I covered up half of what I stood for. I was not willing to fully devote myself to one side. I was angry, upset that I couldn't just be part of both.
How many times have you heard the sermon about "fence riding?" How many times have you heard Revelation 3:15-16? "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one of the other! So, because you are lukewarm-neither hot nor cold- I am about to spit you out of my mouth." I got the full experience the other night of fence riding. It finally connected in my mind how offensive it must be to God for us to just "sit on the fence." Since I was not about to pick one side over the other, neither side truly appreciated my support. Granted, Satan is thrilled that I am somewhat on his side when I stumble, but my Heavenly Father can only shake His head at my stubbornness. How long will it be before I push myself onto his side?

chick flick

tonight's one of those nights that will forever be remembered.
it's crazy how much fun a girls night can bring.
i wish, however, that the "chick flick" romances were real. how ridiculous am i?

Thanks

Thanks for all your prayers, Joel is fine! :) God is good, Blessed be the name of the Lord.

sigh of relief

i really enjoy discussing ideas. tonight i'm unbelievably glad that God gave us a free will, and the desire to search and find Him. :) it's satisfying to relax on His Truth. talk to you all later! ~soon i hope!

random tangent

senior year and i'm totally loving it. i just thought i'd put a non-ridiculous message in here. let me know if you have any ideas on what else i should put in here!!! toodles~

it's all about love

its always good to feel the warmth of someone's arms around you.

hmm. putting yourself through the typical "high school relationships" seems so juvenile when out of one, yet so important when in one. Juvenile, yet you long for it. Important, yet you doubt it will last forever. I'm anxious, so anxious to see who God has in planned for me, for my friends, for my family. Im definetely not one to say that relationships are evil, not at all! And its not to say that relationships are all going to turn out horribly! However, it is to say that the "opportunity cost" (thank you mr. robinson) may make it not worth your time. How often do you see someone in a hallway crying, complaining, or upset over a relationship? Is the relationship really worth the pain? It's so frustrating for me to see people so constantly angry at each other but even more determined to make it work. Christ alone is the perfect example of how to love each other. How are we supposed to make a relationship work if we cannot even first learn to love Christ, who loves unconditionally? How in the world will we understand how to love each other if we cannot even love Christ? Christ is our Prince Charming, the one true lover of our hearts. I wonder, especially to myself, how in the world I will ever be ready to love my husband. Not just love, but submit and honor him as I should. Obviously no one is perfect, but shouldn't I at least be trying to love Christ as I want to love my husband? Christ loves me no matter what, and well, my husband will probably be a tad bit "biased" towards his own ways. I am (hopefully) going to marry someone and be married for about 3/4 of my life. So while I'm single, shouldn't I be learning how to love?

good song ya'll

casting crowns:

It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in trying to fade into the faces
The girls teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat and quietly sinks into the back row,
The weight of their judgmental glances,
Tells him that his chances are better out on the road
Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the body of Christ
But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way Jesus is the way

Interestingly Enough

Label me a copycat if you want, but I find this whole "blog" idea quite entertaining. My brother told me about it and I am fairly excited about being able to share my opinions, etc. I cannot promise perfect grammar or punctuation (although I will try my best), but I will try to be as honest as I can. Senior year of high school has finally arrived and as nervous as I am, excitement has taken a hold of me. There are so many opportunities and activities I am/can be involved in. Leadership has reached a peak I never thought imaginable. We learned in crib groups tonight about the "12 Good Men" of the New Testament and how ordinary they were. Thank goodness God picks the ordinary people! There is so much stress, anxiety, and drama in high school over having the "most prestigious" things. As hard as I try, I cannot remove myself from this on my own, but I do look at it and wonder what in the world compels us to be involved in it. Everyone tends to ask "Why is that so important" or "Why are you so concerned about it," especially when it's not our problem. I wonder if it isn't just a longing to be aware of the latest news?! So we can just "fit in." I wish there was an incessant reminder in my head saying "the best news is the Old News." If popularity and prestige are so important, then why is the story of the 12 ordinary men of the Bible still so famous today? Why, if we are so obsessed with success, are we still so intrigued by their common lifestyles? The significance of the answer to that question is overwhelming. We, ordinary people living ordinary lives, are being called by an extraordinary God to do extraordinary things.