recycle.

IWU has been focusing on purity all week. I hesitate to write this post, because I am nervous of how it will be perceived. However, I also have experienced so much freedom in the past week and a half, that I can't deny sharing about the grace that covers me. I have struggled, in so many ways, to be pure: emotionally, physically, spiritually. Even today, before I went to chapel tonight, I spoke with a dear friend about the freedom that I have felt this week from bondage from my past. Am I proud of the mistakes I have made? Of course not. Am I amazed at His hand and His grace that has continually enveloped me? Absolutely. Relationships define so much of who a person is, who he or she becomes. I love relationships. I love being intentional with people. I love, and have an incredible passion for, investing in someone else and growing with them.

And yet, I am realizing more and more just how easily I fall into the trap of letting my relationship with a friend cloud my relationship with God. I become dependent on that person, and begin to rely on them for the qualities that only He will provide. Last week, I closed a door in my life. I let go, and finally gained freedom from an issue I had been wrestling with for quite a while. I feel liberated, so free to do whatever is next. I have almost rediscovered the joys of life. That sounds dramatic, but I don't know how else to explain it. I am once again looking at each day as a new blessing to devote to loving others, while at the same time keeping Him in the center. I can foster healthy relationships and invest in others, but also keep my attention on Him. Am I perfect in doing this? Absolutely not. But when I am able to do it, I feel so much joy.

I was so worried about having my own room and was petrified that I would hole up and never talk to anyone. But it's almost as though the exact opposite has happened. I am being even more intentional about spending time with others, but I look forward to coming back to my room to spend time journalling, reading, etc.

I feel content being me. I enjoy time by myself and look forward to having quiet time. When I am getting ready for bed, I don't have to worry about keeping someone else up with my devotions. I can spend as much time as I want in the Word. That feeling is absolutely liberating! The dear friend that I was talking with tonight said it so well: "It's a different kind of stillness." She understood the significance of my revelation, which must seem so trivial to most.

Okay, and here goes the crazy, weird part- which I am certain will sound so morbid. But I have long felt that my life on the earth is short. Shorter than most? I don't know. But every now and then, there is just a sense of urgency within me. Have I told those around me how much I love them? Do they know how thankful I am for their lives? This joy that has been bubbling inside of me this week, can they see it? Do they understand just how amazing His love really is? This stillness that I have found this semester has brought so much purpose to my life. If I never plan another event, finish another assignment, play another match- I know that the purpose of my life on earth is to love others. To pour His love into them, as He pours into me. And the best part? I know that the more that I seek Him, the more joy He will bring to my life, which I can continue to pass on to others: over and over again.

Oh, and here are some lyrics to a song that I heard tonight that I loved.
It's called "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North.

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

unprepared.

I'm beginning to realize how much I am going to miss this.
this season.
this phase.
this scene.

I'm not ready to be done.

find a bird, frannie.

I went hunting.

Well, I guess I didn't shoot a gun so I technically didn't hunt... but I did go with my dad while he, my uncle, and three of their friends went hunting. Apparently my going surprised a few people... but I love learning new things, and I couldn't resist a trip with my dad. I'm graduating in a few months, so what better time than now to go on an adventure with him?

And oh, what an adventure it was. Five men, all over 40, let me invade their "guy's weekend." Somehow, I ended up with my own room and the biggest bed in the bunk house. They treated me wonderfully, and were incredibly patient with me, as I put on at least 15 items of clothing or showered in twice the time it took them. However, they weren't bashful at all about poking fun at each other and cracking jokes the entire time. It was entertaining from the very first moment on. 8 hours to Lawrence, and another 5 to Logan. Hunting is quite the sport. I say sport, because it was quite the workout. Three days of walking around trying to find birds. :) Luckily, we had five awesome dogs that went along with us. Frannie and I were the only girls.

I am just so thankful for all of the memories. Especially with my dad. We had some really fun (any funny) moments together, including our 12 hour long excursion back home (He did point out that we missed one Bass Pro Shop between Lawrence and home... let me point out that we only missed one). We had a blast, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I almost stepped on two quail and one pheasant (and yelped all three times once they flushed)... and then sat down on a ridge with William, only to find out moments later that there was a quail about 6 feet from my foot hiding in the bush. So I then sat next to William as he shot at the bird. We hunted in 40mph winds the first night, after a 20 degree drop in the temperature. I saw the biggest cowpies ever. I tried hominy, listened to the guys all talk about the importance of Bean-o when chili is eaten, ate more twizzlers than I knew possible, and ducked whenever I saw a gun anywhere close (please know that I was far more paranoid than they were unsafe).

But I also saw a whole new part of God's creation. Rolling hills, flint hills, prairie chickens, incredible sunrises and sunsets, rabbits, cedar trees, and miles and miles of amazing landscape. It was beautiful- and it proves there is so much to life for me to see and experience.

All in all, memories to last a life time.

so long desert.

I missed january 1st by four hours, but this is close enough to a fresh start.

This Christmas break has been a very trying one for me personally. Nothing life threatening, nothing incredibly drastic, but that was the kicker. Nothing happened. I saw friends, which was wonderful, but rather uneventful. I spent time with my family, which was mediocre (highly unusual for me). I had no major plans, and no surprises. It was bland, life was fine, I was just being.

But it was incredibly hard to enjoy life just being. My family was not enjoying each other, little things continued to build, arguments continued to occur. My friends were busy, constantly- which was totally fine for them. just harder on me. An occasional activity would bring me out of the house, but I was just plain blah. All of my good intentions to start working on plans for spring semester were hindered by my computer being eaten by a virus. The few "exciting" options I had been looking forward to were canceled. Just blah. It's been over two months since I first thought about going to Africa, but I haven't heard any clear direction one way or another from the Lord since then. In fact, He has been pretty much silent for over an month. I heard three sermons between November and December about the silence of God- and the importance of waiting that "season" out. The future had a huge cloud over it. I was scared to take any step in any direction. It was far easier to just sit still and wallow, rather than trying to make any decision. Africa? No Africa? Full-time job? Part-time job? Live in Indy? Move elsewhere? All of these questions are huge, and daunting, and alarmingly necessary. I could not, cannot avoid facing what is coming in four months.

I was on the phone with a dear friend last Saturday, talking about how frustrating my break had been and how "the future" seemed to be enjoying torturing me. I was overwhelmed, and it felt really good to have a friend to actually talk to. To have someone not just talk superficially, but honestly and openly- intentionally asking me about how I was doing. We both agreed that digging into the Word and pressing myself to Him even more would only help. I arrived home, excited to start fresh... but by the end of the evening, it had become overwhelmingly frustrating in the house again. I really feel that Satan attacked us that night.

Thankfully, Sunday came and throughout the course of the day, I saw the first few rays of daylight streaming through the clouds. Our family began to acknowledge and communicate- and head in the right direction. I had a few more places to go, the business of life began to pick up. But more than anything, I was seeing little glimmers of His presence throughout my day. On Tuesday, I received two random phone calls- both from companies in another state- offering me jobs. Literally- in less than 2 hours I had been given amazing opportunities. God is amazing.

So anyways, I've gone through a lot this break, despite my best efforts to simply relax and do nothing. Daily, my family is learning how to communicate more effectively and serve one another. I've seen the importance of fellowship and also the importance of being active. I've been through a "silent season" again, and once again been taught the entire way through it.

So bring on the New Year. I am praying that my 2009 would not be in vain. I want to glorify Him and follow Him where He leads me. I want to find contentment in Him wherever I am and regardless of who surrounds me.

Here's to 2009.