one is the loneliest number.

letting go is even harder during the Christmas season.

i guess there's a difference between letting go of someone...and letting go of the idea of someone... but either way... this break has been a struggle.

today i came very close to yelling at the intercom in Kroger. i was trying very hard to not let my thoughts wander, and wouldn't you know that "one is the loneliest number" came on? bugger!

i am ready for J & M to get here. that way the hustle and bustle will resume, and my thoughts will be captivated by the wonderful family around me.

don't get me wrong, i know i need to keep processing and adjusting and learning from this whole thing. however, i think i have become much too lazy in my attempt to move on.

there's been a shift since it first happened, a shift in my head. i went from feeling (and knowing) that i couldn't keep moving on my own strength and fully depending on Him... to convincing myself that i could, failing miserably, and feeling every second of that loneliness.

now its back to basics. back to life. back to reality. school was a dangerous distraction of selfishness. now God is again prodding at my heart, asking me to let Him in.

it's odd. this summer i wrestled through some spiritual issues with people and situations. however, i think at this point i'm realizing that my faith became more of my own than ever through August and September. much less about being so bold in action, rather just sharing a testimony about experiences. God allows things to happen, so that we can relate to Him more easily. Then, we have a personal story that we can explain and share in simple terms.

cool.

lesson learned.

i am trying to comprehend what in the world happened.
all i know is this:
i am done with school.
i am done trying my hardest and still failing.
i am done listening to what i should have done instead.
i am tired, exhausted really, with dealing with the crap that comes with it.
its a true shame, because i have truly never enjoyed classes more.
basically... that barbie doll is very lucky.

if you don't understand any of this, don't worry. it's not your fault.

learning how to nap.

so its been a long weekend.
not a big deal, those occur every now and then.
but several things happened, all in one day... just made it tough to get through.
But the Lord provided. as always.
a few key conversations. with a few spectacular people.
i figured i would share part of a prayer i ended up writing down, towards the end of the day.

-- ok. so i think i got the message today. be content and trust that You are in control. i've been saying that i know that life will get better, and that i will wait for a guy to be the one to take the initiative. i wanted to know for certain that it was You leading him to me, not me leading him on. goodness, i've been praying that You would let a guy pursue me and that i would wait for that to happen... and yet i have been so anxious lately. disappointed when things don't turn out the way i want them to. i go out of my way to say hi or at least be "around." obviously someone is not pursuing me, and up until tonight i did not realize that it might be You answering that prayer. i haven't been seeking You like i was. i'm not waiting for Your plan, and getting frustrated when You don't follow mine.
thank You for protecting me. thank You for letting me grow, on my own, without a distraction. or at least thank You for letting me realize that i need to grow on my own...without any distractions. i'm trusting You to prepare me for when i am ready. i've tried to convince You that i am, but You know my heart. so now, i know that i am ready to trust You again. i know that i'm ready to let You captivate my thoughts. let me follow Your lead. let me be content. let me be fully submerged in You. --

it's interesting. being in this position. i'm ready for something else. i'm ready to do something, and frustrated that i am just sitting around. so now i need to take this time, when God is allowing my heart to "rest"... to actually slow down and do just that. Rest in Him. Delight in Him. Be fully content and at peace with Now.
let the week begin.