when i experienced God.

written september 17th, 2007.

so today officially marks one month since D and i broke up.
i know that doesnt mean much to most of you... but for me. whoa. so much has changed so dramatically... God has been so real. so evident. so faithful.
my heart was broken, but at the same time, I knew that it was supposed to happen. i have given my "testimony" of the chain of events several times now... so much that I think L (my roommate) has memorized it. it's been amazing to see how God uses a situation like this for His glory. i say amazing because I have no other way to describe it.
so, this is my gesture to offer up a story from my life that glorifies Him.

August 11th- at my family's condo in FL
After getting home from dinner with the family, I called D and went out on the balcony. He and I got in a stupid fight. one of those "you tied your shoelaces backwards so now i am going to get extremely angry" stupid fights. I don't even remember what it was about, so i can't tell you why I was upset or why I hung up on him. but i did, most likely because i can be stubborn as an ox. for the first time, he turned off his phone (and he had every reason to). i was shocked, hurt, and super confused. I left him two really angry messages, then went back and deleted them from his voicemail. at this point i was realizing how stupid i had acted and felt really bad about the whole thing. in an effort to "wait for him to call me back" I went inside and grabbed my devotions, paper, and a pen. I went back outside and started writing a letter. i don't know why i wrote it or what compelled me to write what i did, but i basically told him that I didn't think we were supposed to be together anymore. I folded up the letter, put it in my devotional book, did my devotions, and then headed back inside. by the next morning we were "fine."
August 12th- met up with the tennis team in FL for conditioning
August 14th- at the fairfield resort
My devotions throughout the summer were centered around doing God's will- how to know what He wants you to do. This was just another way that God communicated with me that week. J and my parents came to watch us practice and ate dinner with us. Later, Joel volunteered to host the entire girls team sometime that week. (bless M's heart for being okay with it after he did!) I talked to D on both monday and tuesday nights, but something just seemed off.
August 15th- still at the resort for tennis conditioning
I called D when he was on his way to a three day leadership retreat. at this point, i could tell something was off, but I didn't know what. I asked him to be honest, and he was. We decided to take the three days he would be gone and pray about what God wanted us to do. I got off the phone and bawled. I was scared out of my mind, realizing that this person, this relationship, that I loved so much might be taken away. I called my mom and talked to her. It's always a blessing to have a prayer warrior just a call away. Over the next two days, my devotions continued to resonate the message that God leads us to a crisis of belief if we are seeking His will. This obviously was my crisis.
august 17th- last day at the resort
I woke up stressed out. I had no idea what I was supposed to do. Well, I guess I had an inkling, but I wasn't about to listen. But as I did my devotions that morning, they centered around being willing to just let go, and let God take control. If that wasn't a powerful enough message, the letter that I had written on Saturday night fell out of my devotional. It was literally my heart on a page. I realized that I had to let go of D, regardless of what he had come to conclude the past three days. We had had an absolutely amazing summer, hanging out and enjoying being together. and then, in a matter of about two weeks, things happened and God was telling me to trust Him. WHAT?! my heart hurt, I couldn't eat, and I didn't want D to call.
That night, our tennis team headed to J and M's house for dinner. I was so excited to see them, to just spend the evening enjoying their hospitality. how like God to provide for me? I was scared out of my mind for that phone call to come, and yet I was able to be at J and M's house. I got a text message from D, and immediately I understood that God had answered another prayer of mine: we had both been led to the same conclusion. I was able to go to J & M's bedroom to call him back (another huge blessing) and escape into my own corner.
I called D, and we talked for 45 minutes. It almost seems too short now, for as much as was communicated in that time frame. He told me where he stood, and I listened. oh gosh, feeling your heart break? not a good feeling. But at the same time, I had an absolute peace about it. I knew that God wanted this to happen. We both voiced our concern for the other's future- that we appreciated our relationship and each other. That sounds so silly, so cliche- but I know that it was exactly what I needed to hear. God was reaffirming me, unlike a previous relationship, through D's words. and I heard them loud and clear: "It is time. It's nothing that is wrong with you. It's just right."
At that point, I'm pretty sure D thought that he was the only one that thought we should break up. So I told him that I wanted to read him that letter from last Saturday. It explained so much- how God had finally gotten me to a place that I could let go, at least initially. I told him I would call him later and got off the phone.
being at J & M's... I can't tell you how invaluable, and how monumental it was for me. I was surrounded by my tennis team who wrapped me in their arms and affirmed me as a person. I was with my brother and sister- and they were able to just pray and pick me up enough to function that night. I ended up deciding to stay at their house, and as the team left, I asked B to email me the letter so I could read it to D. I went to the movie store with J & M, and by the time we got back, she had emailed me. I called D, read him the letter, and said goodbye. It's by far one of the hardest things I have ever done. My heart felt like I was holding it in my hands, saying "Lord, here you go. Here is my heart, and my dreams. I'm trying to trust, but this is so hard." I, at this point was in the guest room. I started to cry, again, and didn't think that i would be able to take another breath. I missed him already, so much that my entire body ached.

And then- as I laid there and just sobbed, all I could think about was missing D holding me and caring for me. and literally- as soon as that thought left my head- Joel walked in. Without saying a word, he came in, got on the bed, and held me. He had no idea what I needed, and yet- God used him in such a powerful way. Even now as i write this, the emotions are still so raw. I knew, without a doubt, that this was just another way that God was providing for me. I felt so loved, so treasured- even in such a moment of despair. I knew that His arms were around me, holding me, telling me that He would take care of me.

And thus, my story begins with moments of despair being filled with a joy only explained by God's faithfulness. He asked me to let go, and at every painful moment from then on, He provided.

Moments of heart aching joy:
1. Riding back to Nashville the next day, I didn't know what I was going to do with the duck that i had been given. I had slept with it every night for two years. But I never mentioned it, just thought about it constantly during the drive. Just before we got to the mall and I used a teammate's cell (since mine was dead) to check my voicemails... I had no new ones, just previously saved ones. As I deleted my messages from D, it hit me that it would be the last time I would hear him say "I love you." Talk about a heart aching moment. As I got out of van, most of the girls went ahead of me into the mall. But M hung back and asked me how I was doing. She started crying and told me that her heart ached for me, and as soon as she cried, I did. We had our moment and then walked into forever 21. About 10 minutes later, Megan came over and handed me a bag from Hallmark. She said, "I thought you might want this, to replace your duck." Sure enough, I pulled out a stuffed animal dog. She had no idea, and yet God used her to give me another moment of relief. God is so faithful.

2. My parents picked me up on the south side of Indy, so I could go home, pack for school, and get there by the evening. I cried on the way home, and they were so good to me, talking to me and encouraging me. I was anxious about going up to my room and seeing all of the stuff that reminded me of D. My dad walked in before I did and went around and collected all of the pictures and put them in my closet before I said a word. My mom went through my photo albums that I had already packed and "edited them." Then, I sat on my bed and cried. God was so good even though this hurt so bad. He is sovereign.

3. After everything had been packed up and I was ready to go, I was still hesitating. L was going to drive up another car with my stuff in it, but I knew I had to drive back myself. I didn't want to go alone. I wouldn't be able to call and talk to D on my way, like I had the previous two years. An hour and a half of silence wasn't exactly what I wanted. I went upstairs, overwhelmed and not ready to leave, collapsed on my bed and began to cry. I honestly didn't have the strength to get up off the bed and go. My mom came in, let me cry, and prayed over me. Those tender moments were so precious. I couldn't have asked for more from her. Then, at the end of the prayer, she said "You know, I think maybe I will ride in the car with you up to school, how about that?" and once again, there was an unbelievable peace that overcame me. God had again provided for me, without my saying a word. He is faithful.

4. On Monday, I had some free time in the student center and wandered over to the computers in the mallway. I told myself to not check D's facebook, and checked my email. once I logged onto facebook, I saw an update of his on the newsfeed and immediately clicked on his profile page. Wouldn't you know that the stupid computer froze up before it transferred to his page? God was sending me a loud and clear message: "trust me, let go." So on Monday night, I realized that I couldn't keep looking on facebook and checking up on D. It was simply too hard. So I sent him a message that I was going to delete him as a friend. He sent one back later that night, and I made the momentous decision to "delete" him. I know it sounds trivial, but it was huge for me. It was my last way of checking up on him and knowing how he was doing. My roommate stood next to me as I deleted him, a blessing that few could understand. As soon as I hit delete, I immediately wanted it to be a bigger deal. I picked up my cell phone and found B's name so I could tell her what I just did. Just as I started to hit her name, I got a text from L (my brother) asking me if I was up. I said yes, and he called me seconds later. He commiserated with me on the facebook thing, encouraged me, and told me that he understood that it was a big deal. God provided the perfect person for me to talk to about it. so faithful.

5. On Wednesday night, L & C (two girls from Brownsburg) came up and spent the night. On Thursday morning, there was a construction crew outside at 7 am asking us to move our cars. L rushed in and woke us up. I jumped out of bed and proceeded to move my car. The night before I had a dream that D and I were back together. It was so real that as I ran around the side of the townhouse I began checking off things I needed to do that day. This included calling my aunt to tell her he was coming to the wedding, packing up my stuff to visit him this weekend, and waiting until I knew he was awake to call and say good morning. And then, as I got back in bed, I realized that it was a dream. For the first time since Sunday, I wanted to cry, sob, and just collapse. I sucked in my breath as my body began to shake with tears, and then my cell phone vibrated. F had sent me a text message that said that she was praying for me and that she loved me. Keep in mind, it was 7 in the morning. who texts that early!?!? I sent her one back immediately telling her how much I needed that moment of encouragement, and she sent me this back: "God, I ask that you comfort Laura at this moment and fill the places that are empty. It is ok to hurt, but I wish I could take some of it for you. I love you so much. Know that you are beautiful and whole without someone." It was above and beyond exactly what I needed to hear... and she sent it exactly when I needed it. I'm telling you: God is faithful.

All of these incidents happened in the first week of when we broke up. I know that it may seem like too much information, but I really want others to see how glorious and faithful God is- in ALL situations. This has been so hard. So insanely difficult. And yet, I have never felt closer to God, never wanted so badly to just shout His love from the roof tops. God is so good.

experiencing God

God is faithful. If I haven't learned anything else in the past three weeks, that should be enough. It's been a crazy month. My life turn a completely unexpected corner, one that only God could have led me around. Just thought I would start off sharing a bit of my devotional today:

When God purposes to do something, He guarantees that it will come to pass. He is the One who will accomplish what He purposes to do. If you depend on anything other than God, you will be asking for failure in Kingdom terms. If you follow someone else's plan, use a method, or emphasize a program, you will have a tendency to forget about your dependence on God. You leave the relationship with God and go after a method or a program.
While you wait on Him, you will be praying with a passion to know Him, His purposes, and His ways. You will be watching circumstances and asking God to interpret them by revealing to you His perspective. You will be sharing with other believers to find out what God is saying to them. While you wait, continue doing the last thing God told you to do. In waiting you are shifting the responsibility of the outcome to God- where it belongs.
Then, when God gives you specific guidance, he will do through you more in days and weeks than you could ever accomplish in years of labor. Waiting on Him is always worth the wait. His timing and His ways are always right. You must depend on Him to guide you in His way and in His timing to accomplish His purpose.
If you walk in a consistent relationship with God's provision for you- the provision of His Son, His Holy Spirit, and His own presence in your life- then you should never come to a time that you do not know the will of God.
He gives you the desire to do His will. His Holy Spirit guides you to pray according to God's will. Believe that what He has led you to pray, He Himself will bring to pass. When God encounters you, you face a crisis of belief that may require major adjustments in your life. You may need to let God wake you up in the middle of the night to pray...

I cannot tell you how much I have learned in the past few weeks. I can tell you that I have never felt God's arms closer to me, His Word closer to my heart.
There is a heart aching moment, and then- His comfort surrounds me and I am overwhelmed with joy. I hope you can experience God like I have.