ride 'em cowboy.

I have to smile when I look back at my blog. I can't help but sigh when I see the patterns I so easily fall into, and the multitude of times He has lifted me out of the pit. And here I am again.

I am amazed at the way He works in my life. I probably shouldn't be, because often its my stubborn heart and distracted mind that lead me astray.

He opened the gates this past month. He swung them wide open, and said, "Run. Run like you've never run before." I feel like I have mounted on wings like eagles and soared. I heard clearly from Him that I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to do. And I want to cry. I want to jump up and down. I want to scream praises from the rooftops- because I've never felt so assured of who He created me to be. I've never loved being me, so much. The illustration given to me of the stallion in my last post was beyond accurate. He chiseled me, molded me, taught me in those hard months. I am unique, and I am different. And I am loved.

I realize, please know this, that I am a sinner. I know that I have barely scratched the surface in realizing just how sinful I truly am. Our pastor often talks about the fact that the more you seek God, the more you see your need for grace, and then you seek God more, and then see your need for grace even more, and so on and so forth. I do not think my sin frivolous, and I desperately try to not take the grace He showers over me lightly.

But there is something about this phase of life. Something about learning to appreciate why I am who I am. It is exciting, it is inspiring, and it is humbling.

I want to share just a snippet from a blog post from my website:

_Finally, and most importantly, thank you Lord for letting this come to fruition! I am speechless, and truly humbled, as I look at how all the pieces fell into place, in Your perfect timing. I am amazed at the work of Your hand. 1 Chronicles 17: 16- Then King David went in and sat before the LORD and said, “Who am I, O LORD God, and what is my house, that you have brought me thus far?” I would not be here without your grace and love._

The day I "opened for business" I read through that chapter. I could not have picked a better passage to read. David was stunned when he saw the Lord's plan for him (and his family). I totally get that. I truly feel blessed. I am completely amazed.

And I'm telling you: My God is an awesome God.

american independence.

Finally.

FINALLY.

It honestly amazes me how long it takes me to catch on sometimes. J & I both have been adjusting to life. Growing pains? Sure, I can call it that. Growing up into a job. Growing out of summer vacations and constant change. Growing into the corporate world. Definitely painful.

My blogs have been so depressed lately. I was having such a hard time focusing on where I was at- I just want to keep looking ahead. It's like reading a book to a 2 year old. You open the cover. The colors jump off the page, the voices of the characters come to life. You turn the page- and start to get into the story. Then, the little hand reaches up and turns the page- mid sentence. Again and again, the rustling of the pages interrupt the story. This precious child never gets the whole story. They never see the full picture. They just want to go onto the next best thing.

Enter moi. I'm screaming "Turn the page!!" and He is saying "If you will merely listen to me, you will enjoy this story so much more."

I am so busy looking ahead, so excited to see what else might happen- I forget to think about now. To add more to that burden, I'm not only part dreamer, I'm also part realist. I dream about the future, and then I worry about what will go wrong. Hence the restlessness I have been feeling. I was recently told by someone very wise: you'll find peace when you focus on experiencing God, rather than experiencing life. I sat and wrestled with that idea for days. The American culture is all about freedom: explore, dream, live to the fullest. Independence: do what you want! Live where you want! If you can afford it, do it! If you can't afford it, save your money and then do it! And I absolutely believe that God intends for us to do each of those things. But I am also starting to realize that He also intends to teach me right now.

One more illustration, and I will go. My dearest roommate shared this with me- and I hope I can do it justice.

When a horse trainer is breaking a stallion, he will keep it in a small pen. Day after day, the trainer will go to the horse- train it, ride it, and begin to break the will of the horse. After some time, a bystander might watch the two and believe the horse is trained. The horse listens to its master. It responds quickly, and moves easily- in tune with the instructions. The bystander might ask, "The horse is ready! It obviously knows your voice and listens to your instruction." And the trainer would reply, "You may think the horse is ready now. Yes, it listens to my voice and responds to my instruction. But what happens when I take it out of this pen? What happens when we are running full speed and my loud voice sounds like a tiny whisper? I want it to be able to hear my voice above all of the noise. I want the horse to be assured of my presence, even if it can barely hear me. I want it to trust my instruction, and obey my direction, no matter what distractions come."

So I am going to stay put. Until He opens the gate, and says "Giddy-up."

headed nowhere.

24.

I'm not sure where this unsettling feeling came from. It's been festering for two months. Maybe more. I am loving where I am. I am loving the people that surround me. There just isn't peace. Joyful is the exact opposite of my emotions. Rest isn't an option.

I want to get up and go. I want to leave. I want to explore. I want to be adventurous. I want to see the world. I want to experience culture. I want. I want. I want.

I thought typing that would help me see my own selfishness. I see it, but I'm apathetic towards changing it. What does that even mean? What a sinner am I.

24 years of life. Have I done enough? Have I done anything? Have I really experienced anything?

My mind doesn't stop running. There is no break. "What ifs" consume my thoughts. It's exhausting. The possibilities are endless. When does it stop?

pinfall.

just an update this time, folks. April: Craziness. Hectic and frazzled is how I have felt all month.

I am really looking forward to May: going to AL to visit the tennis team at Nationals. Papa is coming into town- which is delightfully timed during J & I's birthday week. And then MEMORIAL DAY! I seriously can't wait. The rooms & I are headed to see E & N. I haven't seen them since their reception in Indy last year. We are looking forward to a great road trip, outdoor activities, and seeing what Charlotte is all about.

I'm ready for a break. I need a breather.

As for me- and how myself is doing- I am wrestling. I feel like I have been wrestling a gorilla lately. Wrestling in my mind. Wrestling in my walk with the Lord. Wrestling with my appearance. Wrestling in relating to other. Wrestling. And I'm not winning.

There is so much to learn.

monsters, inc.

Sin stinks.

Profound statement? no. True statement? yep.

I am not perfect, and have realized that even more vividly recently. It seems that no matter where I am, I see my sin just growing out of me. A little monster? Hardly, and it also has the ability to change color. Green, Jealously. Red, anger. You name a color, I can find a companion emotion. My own selfishness seems to explode in every reflection I catch a glimpse of- no matter how quickly the moment of realization. It petrifies me. It humbles me beyond belief to know that the Lord is willing to cover me with His grace. It makes me wonder if a person will ever be able to love me in spite of my sin. because it is alarmingly harsh when someone is willing to point it out. because I know it is an ongoing, never-ending, up-hill battle (at least in this life).

I have mentioned before just how wonderful the community is where I live. One of the best things that I have discovered about this community is their authenticity. These people-wonderful, compassionate, and loving- are refreshing to say the least. They are willing to be honest about their own sins, failures, and mistakes. They are willing to open their arms to me and accept me for the sinner that I am. But it doesn't stop there- and that is something that I am becoming increasingly grateful for. Accountability, challenging conversations, heartfelt testimonies surround me. Whether it be at Bible study, community group, a tear-down of an event, or in the local grocery store- these people care. These people are not okay with being stagnate. These people are not settling. And the most fascinating part is to see how the Lord allows one person's lows to be the same time as another's highs. The ebb and flow of my life is just part of His provision.

I realize that I have always been unusually passionate about interpersonal relationships. I realize that my excitement about healthy communication is somewhat strange. However, I truly believe that the Lord calls us to be involved in a community. I cringe when I hear people say they are simply reading their Bible at home, that they don't need to go to church. Maybe I am naive. Maybe people are able to challenge themselves enough by simply reading the Bible at home. But I know my own selfish heart. There is no way that I could ever push myself enough to truly change. Christ-centered confrontation is something that we are called to partake in. We are called to draw others closer to the Lord. We are called to listen when we are called out. I have always struggled with confrontation. Always. It's not something I am good at, not something I enjoy, not something I do willingly. Which is why community is necessary, why the church is essential to my spiritual walk. I am slowly (understatement) getting more comfortable with confrontation, but a large part of that growth is due to where the Lord has me right now.

Obviously I recognize that Lord has to be the priority and that friendships/relationships fall second to Him. However, I also see that true community changes a person. It does not allow them to be selfish. It does not allow them to be stagnate. It encourages authenticity. It breeds compassion. It is a support system rooted in the Truth. I change because those around me are stretching me- because it is what the Lord has called them to do.

Little green monster, meet my friends.

a toast.

blah.

I don't even know where to start. The last time I blogged was in October. Little is different, and yet much has changed. I'm getting more and more accustomed to adulthood- to working, to responsibility, to the daily grind. If anything, I have learned how exhausting it is. I guess that is what astonishes me: just how exhausted I've become. Wake up, work, lunch, work, dinner, sleep. Very little changes that simple pattern. I almost feel overwhelmed that there is nothing that will stop the endless circle. No breaks, snow days, tests, tennis trips. Nothing but Monday through Friday work.

"The plateau effect" as so many people call it. I'm desperately want to throw it out the window and find a mountain peak somewhere. I just ache for something other than that rhythm- which is utterly surprising to me. I LOVE plans. I love agendas. I love organizing and knowing what is next. I have always hated change- struggling against it any time it arises. Yet I am caught in this steady cadence, and I want to break free.

How did I get here? I mean, look back a few blogs. Look back ONE blog. Three months ago I was still thoroughly enjoying the "honeymoon" of a brand new job. I knew He put me here for a reason. I knew that He wanted me right here, right now. I still have no doubt of that. Yet now, as reality and responsibility surround me and I feel suffocated. I want out.

Step back.

What am I doing on a daily basis to follow my Lord and Savior? What exciting thing has He been teaching me recently? Who has he put in my path that needs to feel His love?

My answer: I have no clue. Not the slightest inkling. I have been so distracted, and so excited about being "me," that I removed Him entirely from the picture. My independence has become a complete dependence on myself. My excitement to learn about who "I" am has become self-centered. The balance I talked abut in October has been completely devoured by my selfishness.

Sure, I am going to church. Yes, I am surrounded by fabulous people that share the same faith. But, no, I am not turning to Him anxious to hear and learn something new. I am not handing over each new morning to Him. I am not letting Him lead. I am not studying His Word- or even attempting to. With the door firmly shut in my own little world, I am just sitting passively by and letting life escape out the window.

Maybe my desire to suddenly jump and run comes from my dissatisfaction of what I have let these past few months become. No, I have not been hungry for His Word. Or maybe I am- and that is the kicker.

I love this quote from Beth Moore and apologize if it's a repeat:

"Find satisfaction in Him alone. Our nagging dissatisfaction for something excellent can only be met by Him. He wants us to discover that He is the only thing that can satiate our thirst and our hunger. Dissatisfaction is not a terrible thing- it is a God thing. It only becomes terrible if we don't let it lead us to Christ."

So here is to 2010. Here is to letting my satisfaction for my life- my work, my house, my body, my testimony- rest completely in Him.

land o' lakes.

I love where I live. And by love, I mean I am absolutely overwhelmed that this is where the Lord chose for me to be.

It feels so good to know I am where I am supposed to be. It is so exciting to know that the past three months (gulp!) have been filled with joy- joy that He intended for me to experience.

You all need to meet my roommate, J. We have an ridiculous amount of fun together. As 2 of the 5 (or so it seems) single girls in Lakeland, we are truly enjoying figuring out life together. Learning what it means to have a job, pay the bills, buy groceries, etc. We have a small apartment that is home sweet home. We have shared hysterically funny moments, as well as been challenged (and encouraged) by each other to do better.

I am discovering more of who I am, and what encompasses my own person, than I ever have before. I don't have anyone making decisions for me, which is both exhilarating and positively scary. :) I am figuring out what I like. For instance, decorating my room has been incredibly fun. I am living in a half finished room, but the finished half is full of things that I love. There is just so much that I am discovering. I am realizing that I don't have to put on a face or be someone that I'm not. I think this may be the first time that I haven't been "in charge" of some group, or responsible for some thing. I feel free to do whatever I want to do. WEIRD! :)

I know all of this may sound entirely selfish, but it has been really enlightening to discover who I am. I was talking to one of my favorite people who is in a similar situation right now. We decided this phase is similar to the scene in Runaway Bride where Julia Roberts finally figures out how she likes her eggs best. I LOVE that picture for my life right now. I can't wait to discover more of who I am- and more of who HE created me to be. Being in His presence daily, falling in love with Him. I would not, could not, trade that for anything. TR gave a sermon yesterday about being in a marriage covenant with the Lord. That the Lord wants "to have and to hold" us. We so often try to steal from God, we only want bits and pieces in a relationship with Him. We are longing for intimacy and look in all the wrong places. We hunger for someone to accept and love us as we are, but we refuse to give up control, to be faithful, to be open to Him. Other people are never going to fill that void. I want to be in that relationship with the Lord- and strive to learn that first- before anyone else is added to the picture.

I know that someday my prince will come. But I am totally content for that to not to be today.