well I made it to florida... over a month ago.
wow. life has flown so quickly.
nationals was incredible. everything went well, including our team walking away with the victory. i love event planning, and it was an exhilarating experience. i felt as though God really used me, and it was an awesome feeling. we then went to alabama and played our tails off, only to eventually get them handed back to us by Fresno. But its the memories that count anyway... right?
on our trip back to indy, we stopped in nashville where I actually stayed until my dad got there and picked me up (we drove straight to florida from nashville). as a team, we said our goodbyes and talked about the future for each player. wow. so many tears! our team had gotten so close. Saying goodbye to the seniors was close to impossible, as well as E. I think that last prayer as a team was one of the most unforgettable memories i have.
Unbeknownst (is that even a word?) to us, God was moving in some mighty ways. E is coming back next year. and i am SO excited. her personality brings so much to the team, definitely a very calming spirit (which i need so badly so often!). So I am pumped for this next season. I can't wait to see what He has in store for us.
Let's see, I then got down to Florida and started working at Cypress Gardens in a sales/events internship. wow.
i really cannot even begin to express the difference between my life in Indiana and life here. It is day and night. My work atmosphere is very liberal, I think I have met one other Christian at Cypress Gardens. being the minority is definitely shell-shocking. to be unique in my lifestyle, and stick up for myself. wow. God has put me here for a reason, but i'm not going to lie. it's hard. it's hard to be the butt of the joke. it's hard to balance conversations. it's hard to miss out on life at home. it's hard to be here without the people i grew up with, or even have gotten so close to over this past year, that know me so well.
there is so much that I want to say, and there is really no one to talk to...
i've struggled. a lot. with confidence. with security. with contentment. gosh. and i sit, and think to myself, "it would be so much easier if there was someone else who was always there for me to call and talk to."
and voila. in comes Him. I've really been enjoying TR, the pastor at Trinity Presbyterian. He does an incredible job at communicating the Word.
This past week, he closed the sermon with Psalm 131:2. It talks about being like a weaned child in his mother's lap. The child is no longer depending on the mom. he no longer is looking to her as a source of supply. instead, the child merely loves sitting in her lap. he wants to get to know her better. to just be with his mom.
crazy, huh? i would LOVE to be that child. to know that I am not going to God always asking for something, but instead, going simply because i long to just be with Him. to experience Him.
what a neat illustration and verse.
so here is where i have found myself recently. so much of my heart is focused on finding mr. right. so much of me wants to feel that approval and attention. i want to be desirable to someone again. i have found myself (many, many times throughout the day) focusing on my appearance or my "status in life," hoping to achieve enough to impress people when I go back home this summer. i long to be that girl that everyone talks about how great she looks. that everyone notices. and yet to feel at the same time, that it could never happen. to feel so insecure about who i am, and not be satisfied. its such a battle for me. to not give into those thoughts. oh, how horrible all of that sounds, but its the honest truth.
so i found myself thinking through all of this, feeling so desperate for attention and praise, and wondering where did I go wrong again. I know I will never be perfect, I know I will never be the prettiest, but I just feel so unfulfilled.
and then it struck me (and it is such a simple thought), but I want people to see Him in me. That's it. I want people's first thoughts to be of how I radiate His joy, His love, His light. I want to show up and for people to only see Him.
I look at how much I have struggled with letting God have control of D's faith. I want so badly for it to turn out perfectly, for him to know the Lord like I do. But maybe that's not God's plan right now, or maybe it did and my view of his faith is skewed. And I don't want my next interaction with Dto be about proving myself to him, that I am in a great spot, that I look great, that I don't need him at all. But instead, that he sees Christ 100% in me. That my life and my spirit radiates God's glory. That my appearance and my confidence are not even a contemplation. I don't want for us to be together. I don't want to cause him to stumble (and please don't think that I am being proud with that thought). I want him to be the man I know God desires him to be.
and the only way for me to let go, and let God completely take back what I was holding onto so tightly, is to just crawl up in His lap. to be eager and anxious to get to know Him better, not asking for anything in return. so that when people see me, they see Him. that i would know Him so well, and be so in love with Him, and be so content with who He wants me to be, that I would not even blink at the thoughts of those around me.
