nine days of work. that's all that i have left at cypress gardens. i am honestly somewhat in shock of that. it seems that time has flown by. and yet it feels like i've been here so long that i'm totally used to it. i feel like i'm finding my footing of what i want in a career, that i am finally figuring out exactly what i love to do- and my strengths and weaknesses in my passion.
i'm ready to get home. i'm ready for my senior year- to be an RA and to be a captain/chaplain for my tennis girls. wow. there is only one year left of college- i get one more shot at IWU before i'm done. it's somewhat like de ja vu. my senior year of high school i felt the exact same way. as though i got one more shot at brownsburg high school before i would move on forever. i want to make the most of it. i want to leave knowing that i left everything i needed to say/do at the university. however, i also know that i am continually struggling with the pressure that i keep putting on myself.
i had a breakdown on saturday morning. i was so frustrated because i'm just not the player that i want to be. i feel like i can't break through and into the singles line-up, or even the singles mentality. i want to be a leader for my team. i want to be someone the girls can look up to, since i'm a senior. and yet i'm not even close to being the best player. and its so hard to swallow. i can feel the pressure mounding, that i'm not in the shape i had been so determined to be in before i got home. i feel like i could fail, rather i feel like i am failing, at who i want to be as a person.
i know its a human pride issue. i know its a selfishness issue. but i'm not letting go of it. i'm not handing it over. i'm holding onto it so tightly that it scares me.
i'm not sure when or how i will let go. but i know i need to. if i am going to lead, i need to be completely humble first and foremost.
round and round, here we go again.
