a toast.

blah.

I don't even know where to start. The last time I blogged was in October. Little is different, and yet much has changed. I'm getting more and more accustomed to adulthood- to working, to responsibility, to the daily grind. If anything, I have learned how exhausting it is. I guess that is what astonishes me: just how exhausted I've become. Wake up, work, lunch, work, dinner, sleep. Very little changes that simple pattern. I almost feel overwhelmed that there is nothing that will stop the endless circle. No breaks, snow days, tests, tennis trips. Nothing but Monday through Friday work.

"The plateau effect" as so many people call it. I'm desperately want to throw it out the window and find a mountain peak somewhere. I just ache for something other than that rhythm- which is utterly surprising to me. I LOVE plans. I love agendas. I love organizing and knowing what is next. I have always hated change- struggling against it any time it arises. Yet I am caught in this steady cadence, and I want to break free.

How did I get here? I mean, look back a few blogs. Look back ONE blog. Three months ago I was still thoroughly enjoying the "honeymoon" of a brand new job. I knew He put me here for a reason. I knew that He wanted me right here, right now. I still have no doubt of that. Yet now, as reality and responsibility surround me and I feel suffocated. I want out.

Step back.

What am I doing on a daily basis to follow my Lord and Savior? What exciting thing has He been teaching me recently? Who has he put in my path that needs to feel His love?

My answer: I have no clue. Not the slightest inkling. I have been so distracted, and so excited about being "me," that I removed Him entirely from the picture. My independence has become a complete dependence on myself. My excitement to learn about who "I" am has become self-centered. The balance I talked abut in October has been completely devoured by my selfishness.

Sure, I am going to church. Yes, I am surrounded by fabulous people that share the same faith. But, no, I am not turning to Him anxious to hear and learn something new. I am not handing over each new morning to Him. I am not letting Him lead. I am not studying His Word- or even attempting to. With the door firmly shut in my own little world, I am just sitting passively by and letting life escape out the window.

Maybe my desire to suddenly jump and run comes from my dissatisfaction of what I have let these past few months become. No, I have not been hungry for His Word. Or maybe I am- and that is the kicker.

I love this quote from Beth Moore and apologize if it's a repeat:

"Find satisfaction in Him alone. Our nagging dissatisfaction for something excellent can only be met by Him. He wants us to discover that He is the only thing that can satiate our thirst and our hunger. Dissatisfaction is not a terrible thing- it is a God thing. It only becomes terrible if we don't let it lead us to Christ."

So here is to 2010. Here is to letting my satisfaction for my life- my work, my house, my body, my testimony- rest completely in Him.