one is the loneliest number.

letting go is even harder during the Christmas season.

i guess there's a difference between letting go of someone...and letting go of the idea of someone... but either way... this break has been a struggle.

today i came very close to yelling at the intercom in Kroger. i was trying very hard to not let my thoughts wander, and wouldn't you know that "one is the loneliest number" came on? bugger!

i am ready for J & M to get here. that way the hustle and bustle will resume, and my thoughts will be captivated by the wonderful family around me.

don't get me wrong, i know i need to keep processing and adjusting and learning from this whole thing. however, i think i have become much too lazy in my attempt to move on.

there's been a shift since it first happened, a shift in my head. i went from feeling (and knowing) that i couldn't keep moving on my own strength and fully depending on Him... to convincing myself that i could, failing miserably, and feeling every second of that loneliness.

now its back to basics. back to life. back to reality. school was a dangerous distraction of selfishness. now God is again prodding at my heart, asking me to let Him in.

it's odd. this summer i wrestled through some spiritual issues with people and situations. however, i think at this point i'm realizing that my faith became more of my own than ever through August and September. much less about being so bold in action, rather just sharing a testimony about experiences. God allows things to happen, so that we can relate to Him more easily. Then, we have a personal story that we can explain and share in simple terms.

cool.