uprooted.

It's been far over a month since my last post. I thought I would know by now. I thought I would have figured out the next part, the next phase, the next step. But at this point? Nothing is clear, except the most important: I am not in control.

I can't believe that I am back at square one. I can't believe I am again learning the lesson that I have to let go of my plans, let go of my goals, let go of my control. I so badly want to be moving on, to have something to look forward to, to have something to attain. But I find myself just swimming in a mess of undecideds. I haven't hung out with friends because I never know where I am going to be, or what I am going to do. I haven't been motivated to look for jobs, because I never know what state to look in. I haven't been eager to catch up with anyone, because I have no new news, no idea of what the future holds.

I spun myself silly. I kept turning, determined to find the right place to venture. I felt left behind, because so many of my friends have new jobs, new cities, even new husbands/relationships to experience. I was envious, and disappointed.. I was struggling to share their joy, because I felt so lost.

Well, let's see. After the past two years, what have I learned? Oh yes, that God is faithful. That I need to trust Him. That He does indeed have the best in store for me, regardless of where or when His will is revealed. And I missed that message, by a mile. I was searching for what was next, and put Him on the back burner.

I spent the majority of last week at the lakehouse. I woke up early each day, listening to the sound of little pounding feet, muffled squeals and the giggles of second-cousins. Not quite wanting to ease my body out of bed, I found myself journalling, reading, and spending time in the Word each morning. I'm ashamed to admit it took me that long to finally dig back in to what I knew was going to be true. If I was ever going to figure out what was next, I needed to let go and trust that He is in control.

"Bloom where are you now planted."

It's a very applicable quote from a book I read over the weekend.

I am still waiting on a phone call. I still do not know what is next. But I am resting, and feel far more at peace about where I am. If I am seeking Him, rather than my own ambition, then I am able to grow now, instead of waiting until "tomorrow."

I will leave you with these lyrics. Sara Groves rocks.

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?