better than life.

I had tears streaming down my face in church today.
I honestly can't remember the last time that happened.

I was completely and utterly overwhelmed by His presence. SD gave a sermon about revival, about what it has looked like in the past, and how our culture often views it. SD talked about the tide of revival, how it sweeps in and lifts all of the boats up, and then drifts away- leaving the boats to settle back to where they were. He compared it to our culture and challenged us to seek revival. It was a fantastic message. One that I desperately needed to hear.

But that wasn't the only message that I heard today. God spoke directly to my heart. So clearly and so obviously that I couldn't stop the tears from sliding down my cheeks.

This past summer, living in Lakeland, I fought for about a month with the Lord. I was frustrated and unhappy with where I was spiritually, and felt abandoned. Then, one Sunday morning, it was like a lightbulb came on. One of my previous posts talks about it. TR talked about earnestly seeking the Lord. Eagerly running to Him and wanting to spend time with Him. To be enveloped in His arms, not because I need Him, but because I just want to be with Him.

That morning, a song called "Better than Life" was played by the worship band. I love lyrics, I always have, and this song just spoke directly to my heart. I couldn't get enough of it and yet I couldn't find it anywhere. For the rest of the summer, I continued to go to church and scan the program anxiously to see if the song would be played. Each time, I was filled with unbeliveable joy. At the very end of the summer, not more than a few days before I left, I still had yet to find the song. I was shopping with M, and we ran into the worship leader of the church. I asked him where I could find it, and he lead me to the right place on Itunes. I downloaded, played it repetitively for weeks, and used it as my ringtone.

I got to school this semester and vowed that seeking Him earnestly would be my focus for my senior year. I wanted to get to the point where I longed to spend time with Him. Where I desired to be with Him for the sake of being in His presence.

Well, three months later, and I am not where I want to be. Yes, I know that I have learned this semester. I know that I have gained knowledge and grown as an individual. However, I did not follow through on my goal. I am not craving my time with Him, especially over the past three weeks. I have been more willing to shut myself off and hole up in my room, watching pointless television. I have felt insecure and anxious about getting out of my comfort zone. Dimmed lighting and my bed have become a daily occurence- simply because I feel out of place. I have had plenty of time to sing praises to Him, to dig into His Word. And yet, I have wasted it.

On my way to church this morning, I was reflecting over my week, and how little time I spend with Him. I started singing that song, outloud, on my walk over to church. I know I looked ridiculous, and I'm sure sounded even worse, but I felt convicted. I was yearning for time with Him, and I would have had plenty of time- if I hadn't just wasted it. I was done wasting those minutes.

I walked in late today. As I entered the sanctuary, I quickly scanned to see where S was sitting, headed that direction and then paused. No one was standing, and I felt insecure just walking between the rows. I waited until there was a call to stand for worship until I moved. I put my stuff in the pew, turned around, and felt the shackles of my self pity and self doubt slip away. I truly worshipped the Lord in a vulnerable for the first time in a long time. My eyes felt opened. I felt like I was singing directly to Him.

JH stood up and read the passage for scripture: Psalm 63:1-8. It was the exact reference for the worship song in Florida. I was completely floored. Here I was, finally eagerly seeking Him, and He speaks directly to me. To MY heart. I sat down and began journalling, expressing my gratitude for how He works in my life.

Then came the message of revival. SD talked about giving up whatever was in the way of fully sacrificing ourselves. He talked about what it means to have a satisfied soul. We then took communion, and as we went forward to tear off a piece of bread and dip it in the juice, we were supposed to tell the person standing there whether our soul was satisfied, or if our soul longed to be satisfied. I couldn't help it, as I tore my bread, and raised my eyes to someone I have never seen before, I was filled with unbelieveable joy. My soul IS satisfied. My heart IS satisfied. I am complete, 100%, in Him.

I felt Him move today. I felt Him wash over me, like a giant tidal wave. I felt Him lift this pressure that I continually put on myself. I felt myself exhale so much mediocrity and my chosen burden of self-doubt that I have been wrestling with- and breathe in His spirit.

He was so close to my heart today.

Psalm 63:1-8

1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.

4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.

5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

6 On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.

7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.

8 My soul clings to you;

your right hand upholds me.