one last go.

i can't believe its my senior year. i can't believe that i am 22.
it simply astounds me that life happens so fast.

i have a big match today. i made the singles line up for the first time in my college career, playing 6 but it still counts. i've lost one match so far, but won the other. i'm excited about today, but it definitely more than a little nerve wracking. we're playing TU today, which means that if we win, we will probably go to nationals next spring. If we lose? we don't go to nationals, end the 14 year undefeated streak, and will face the wrath of coach. i think there's a bit more than usual resting on this match.
i went to bed last night relatively early, to make sure i would get plenty of sleep for the match. i bypassed doing my reading and told myself i would get up and finish my hmwk before i went to class. unfortunately, i set my cell phone on silent. so i was late to class, didn't do the homework or finish the reading, and failed a test. goodness it's already been such a doozy of a day. i'm trying to let go of that though, since this afternoon will be such a big deal.
i came back to the room and, instead of going to summit, watched tv online. seriously? after i wasted about an hour, i finally realized just how desperate i was for some time with the Lord. I've been hearing over and over again, sermons or messages about learning to just love to be with God. to love to learn about Him, to want to go to Him just because I want to be with Him. I want that so badly. i want to enjoy being single and just love being with Him and loving Him.
as i did my devotions, that same message repeated itself. "Laura, you need to just be with me. you need to just put aside time for you and me. nothing monumental, but learn to love your time with me." and when i gave it to Him? I felt rejuvenated, inspired, and so content. regardless of what else is going on with the day, when I am that close to Him, I know i'm where I'm supposed to be. so much of the past few weeks has felt like I am either "succeeding or failing." there has been no in between.
my mom read me an excerpt from a book she was reading, all about how Moses was not called to fail or succeed in what duties the Lord gave him, but instead to just be faithful. i cannot worry about what I am doing right or wrong, I cannot live my life as a perfectionist and serve the Lord wholeheartedly. I have to do the best I can, with the talents He has given me, in the time that I have available, and be content knowing that I glorified Him in the process.
as I continued to journal today, I felt just led to thank Him for the blessings He has given me. My family, my school, my friends, my roommate, my life. and then, He did a crazy thing. He placed it upon my heart, for the first time in almost a year, to journal for D. My heart felt so heavy thinking about his salvation and where he is at in life- and I desperately want to do something about it. I want to take an action or have an influence. and the Lord just whispered and said, "Laura, your influence is to pray for him." and yes, I have understood that for a long time. But i have not prayed that fervently for a long time.
i am excited for this year. i am excited to continue to just put aside time for Him. to just hole up somewhere and enjoy my time with him. and if I ever get so busy that I don't still have that time, then obviously my priorities are wrong. I'm striving, this year, to make time for Him. to just be with him. to learn the habit of just loving His presence. and to get as close as I can to Him.

so here it is. one last go.